you love him more than me

but how many nights have I spent
my eyes laden with sleep unslept
an electronic glow as bright as the sun
so you wouldn't feel alone?

you love him more than me

but how many times have I stopped
my voice curled in my chest
patient as a monk
as you ordered your thoughts?

you love him more than me

but how many times have I paused
my heart a staccato 12/8
as you made yourself comfortable
against my side?

you love him more than me

but how many times have I offered
helping you by handing
small things for organization
so you could finally be at peace?

you love him more than me

but when have I looked around a restaurant
taking note of silverware
of details and of placemats
to be sure that he'd be comfortable?

you love him more than me

but when have I listened aptly
nodding and agreeing
even if he's wrong
simply because he needs the control?

you love him more than me

but when have I laid beside him
curled into his shape
uncaring if my arm went numb
because he was my solace?

you love him more than me

but when have I held my heart
a live beating creature leaking pain
in cupped palms
and offered it to him?

you love him more than me

but when have I removed myself
full bodied, kicking, screaming
from his presence
just to offer him peace of mind?

you love him more than me

but when have I harbored hurt
refused to let it show in any way
steeled myself against the softest comments
because I know he didn't mean them?

you love him more than me

but when have I panicked
when have I trembled with nerves
when have I breathed a sigh of relief
because our tangled fingers felt like home?

you love him more than me

but when have I debated
posting poetry that tells more
than my words ever could
for him?

you love him more than me

but a thousand reasons more
and a thousand reasons less
could not explain the falseness
of this accusation

you love him more than me

but an entire poem written
for the sole reason of explanation
could not console the damage
left by this punch in the gut

you love him more than me

but if years of friendship
months of words and inside jokes
could not show you differently
what will a few words do?

you love him more than me

but I haven’t-
but I’ve-
but I-
but-

you love him more than me*

Okay.