Apr 2014
She felt as if she was going to explode. She hated herself, the guilt began to consume her as she waded in her own disgust. Ugly, fat, and now a failure. For once she wanted to follow through and make the voices in her head going against her demons proud. Not yesterday, unfortunately not today, but maybe (probably not) tomorrow.
But, we want to stay with you... forever.
There's only one thought on her mind. Nothing but this single thought mattered. Just one, nightmarish, thought racing through her head.
But the voices were far too cunning to ignore.
Get rid of it!!! Get rid of it now!! If you don't you will be a failure. A fat failure!! Get rid of it while you still can. All of it.
She walks calmly past her mother; her composure plays the role of some sort of genius guise. She'll never know, no one will ever know. At least for now.
Hurry up!!! You wouldn't want all that to settle, would you?
The toothbrush was sitting where she had put it that morning, after using it to brush her teeth. This time, it was being used for a different purpose. A disgusting, wonderful, agonizing, joyful, painful, perfect, ugly, beautiful, addictive, freeing purpose.
What are you waiting for?! Do it now silly girl.
Nothing else made her feel so powerful.
That's how it's suppose to feel. That's how you know you're doing it right.
Many minutes zipped by, as if her brain pressed the fast forward button. She quietly got up, flushed the toilet, turned the water off, brushed her teeth, changed clothes, and exited the bathroom. The cold, hard floors were all too familiar to her beaten down knees.
Good girl.
47 minutes had passed during her absence.
She began to feel anger for herself. Once, just once, if she could go a whole day without deprivation or gluttony, maybe she could feel what it was like to function properly.
But, we're proud of you!!
All she wanted was to be able to go out with her friends and not be terrified. The secret must stay a secret.
No one can know about me!!
She began to think out loud.
"How will I ever become fully recover(ed)?"
As if on cue, the demons inside her head replied.
*You won't.
But, we want to stay with you... forever.
There's only one thought on her mind. Nothing but this single thought mattered. Just one, nightmarish, thought racing through her head.
But the voices were far too cunning to ignore.
Get rid of it!!! Get rid of it now!! If you don't you will be a failure. A fat failure!! Get rid of it while you still can. All of it.
She walks calmly past her mother; her composure plays the role of some sort of genius guise. She'll never know, no one will ever know. At least for now.
Hurry up!!! You wouldn't want all that to settle, would you?
The toothbrush was sitting where she had put it that morning, after using it to brush her teeth. This time, it was being used for a different purpose. A disgusting, wonderful, agonizing, joyful, painful, perfect, ugly, beautiful, addictive, freeing purpose.
What are you waiting for?! Do it now silly girl.
Nothing else made her feel so powerful.
That's how it's suppose to feel. That's how you know you're doing it right.
Many minutes zipped by, as if her brain pressed the fast forward button. She quietly got up, flushed the toilet, turned the water off, brushed her teeth, changed clothes, and exited the bathroom. The cold, hard floors were all too familiar to her beaten down knees.
Good girl.
47 minutes had passed during her absence.
She began to feel anger for herself. Once, just once, if she could go a whole day without deprivation or gluttony, maybe she could feel what it was like to function properly.
But, we're proud of you!!
All she wanted was to be able to go out with her friends and not be terrified. The secret must stay a secret.
No one can know about me!!
She began to think out loud.
"How will I ever become fully recover(ed)?"
As if on cue, the demons inside her head replied.
*You won't.
A normal day.
