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Mar 2014
I read all of our old messages
They make a bitter smile come to my face
They make a bitter laugh come out my mouth
I am glad you at least told me the truth

However,
The truth you told me makes me feel worst
And for some reason it makes me smile

How does that make me smile?
It made me laugh too

I really must be as pitiful and as messed up as you said I was

And Ne'coe said it too

I still find it amusing

He had a girlfriend who was a harlot
And he was a church boy
She cheated on him loads of times
He knew it, but was blinded and deaf by his love for her

Mirruh,
I don't know much about you
Maybe that's one of the reasons why we weren't ever friends
Sometimes I catch myself regretting not being good enough for you
But you knew me well
You told me how you felt about me
It almost crushed my heart at the time
But I reread those messages and laugh at how I want to cry
How I want to make you feel what I felt that day
I'm still holding on to what was lost when it was never found
I sometimes catch myself being that same pitiful way
The way you told me I was
I hate myself even more now
I hate being this way
I keep holding on
I don't know how to let go
How do I let go what I still want?
I got one of the things I wanted
It was what I denied
That I was pitiful
And I am messed up
I got her and Ne'coe to admit it the hard way
I set myself up for it
I'm glad you said it
Cause now there's no way for me to deny it
Cause you admitted it too
Her real name isn't mirruh but that's what we called her. Her real name is chyna. Ne'coe's girlfriend did cheat on him. But I can't personally say she's a harlot (she cheated on him a lot), but he loves her. I'm still trying to let go. And the funny thing is I guess I did want them to admit it, that I'm pitiful and broken. And they did. And I hate that I did that to them. Sometimes I wish we were friends again, but other times I don't. But now that I have found out I did want them to I will have to deal with it.
Chalsey Wilder
Written by
Chalsey Wilder  22/Two-Spirit/Space
(22/Two-Spirit/Space)   
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