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Feb 2014
That 2 am chest-clutching, bowled over with eyes so swollen you couldn’t see 2 feet in front of you?
That’s not a broken heart.

The feeling like you’re gonna throw up, and your stomach can’t seem to digest anything?
That’s not a broken heart.

“I still miss you.” texts or calling them a thousand times?
That’s not a broken heart.

What’s a broken heart?
Feeling NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, no emotions no anger no pain. Everything seems fine, but a part of you knows it is not, and you can’t even force yourself to be hurt or feel some sort of hurt. Nothing happened, you think, but something happened, you think again. Why aren’t I feeling anything? WHY? Your mind screams a thousand questions and you don’t know how to answer them. You’re mentally exhausted, and you can’t even breathe properly anymore. Even opening your eyes is a chore. Yet you feel numb. So numb it hurts. You don’t cut because that pain isn’t the same as the one you want to feel. Physical pain is miles and miles away from the pain of losing someone you love and care for very much.

Then your brain starts to shut down, and thinking is no longer possible. You lay in a fetal position for what felt like an eternity while the rain poured outside and all you could think is, “The rain is crying for me.” You don’t move a muscle, in fact you can’t even move a muscle and the air was toxic. You hear lightning and thunder, and struggle to think of all the happy moments you had before but nothing comes to mind and you give up. You lie there until you fall into a deep slumber.

Sleep. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to sleep, because in dreams you create a world that’s entirely your own and no one else’s.  A pretty lake set against the background of mountains far away and a cerulean blue sky that matches his eyes. Oh. His eyes. The perfect world you dreamed suddenly became a nightmarish wasteland. The sky was black as night and life had faded from the world. You were trapped in yourself, running from yourself and nothing else could be done.

Screams. You sit up in a shock, questioning the universe about what happened, and then you feel it again. The numbness, the emptiness.

The cycle repeats and every day you feel that way is a torture.

from my own experience and also from what i've heard. Also do remember that eventually, your brain learns to adapt without the person you once loved and the pain won't remain forever. Cheer up, and stay strong ** <3
addy r
Written by
addy r  SC
   derelictmemory and R
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