February 1, 2014
10:52 PM

i keep pausing between messages
hoping that you'll come online
and tell me in a rush just how much you love and miss me
but that'll never be the case because
no matter how long i wait
i know you're not coming back
i'm on my own
alone in my head
vulnerable and weak from the constant buzzing going on in there
i do not like what the voices have to say but they get so chatty at nighttime
and it's getting harder to tune them out

i just want to be in your arms
i always feel safe when i'm with you
but you're miles away doing who knows what
though i'm sure thinking about me is not included on that list
you aren't here and i don't know if i can fall asleep
with this chatter in my brain
and this emptiness in my head and my heart and this room
it's all much too big for me i feel so tiny and
my bed feels huge without you here to take up the other half
or to hog the blanket when it gets cold

my thoughts are loud but the voices are louder
and they will keep getting louder throughout the night
i doubt i’ll be able to sleep much tonight
but if i do manage to silence my demons and put them and myself to rest
i know i’ll only dream of you because you’re
all i ever seem to think about anymore
even when i’m unconscious and have no control over
which memories my brain chooses to thumb through

my eyes burn from staring at this screen all day
i really deserve a break but can never find the time
to just let myself be free and happy and simply okay with myself
it’s what i really want and what i should be doing with my time
but instead i’ll just sit here in bed thinking about you
i won’t move a muscle i’ll just hide here in the dark
thinking about you and what we were and what we could have been
dreaming about you during the night and
daydreaming about you during the day
no time to eat or drink or bathe or sleep or breathe or live
only ever time to think and wonder and cry
and write down my messy feelings in
a way that appears to be poetic
but really is ****