I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
I did it because you were like a mosquito that never got enough blood you would **** the life out of me, and unlike the mosquito I loved you while you did it.
I loved you because whenever I was with you I felt whole, and good enough, and you made me feel again.
but I had to say goodbye.
I had to let myself try to get better on my own.
because I cannot let you heal me, and then leave.
because I knew from the moment my heart felt okay again, that that kind of high would result in a fall,
I wouldn't be able to get up from.
but I didn't reply so to say goodbye,
but it's not helping.
it's oh so much worse.
and they all say its for the best but, no no, what if it's for the worst?
im screaming inside,
my throat is raw,
my voice is no longer here,
it has faded out,
to nothing, like oh so many other things today,
I miss you, so much that I cannot put it into words.
They all said it was for the best, now im a better person.
but you helped,
I could feel okay at some points,
thats worth anything, right?
shouldn't other people who love you want you to be happy?
but, I suppose I agree with them. I suppose being happy at this point would cause my late nights to be more than just pills and a blade.
but, now that he is gone, now that I said goodbye, now that I cannot bring myself to say hello,
I have succumbed to the crash.
and I thought I was bad before but once,
you go somewhere inside of your own head,
where you are the one torturing yourself, and cannot stop,
once that becomes your everything,
and you find someone who made you feel, made your heart flutter,
and then you yourself are the one who gets rid of them, well this is my own fault.
I knew what would happen but somehow thinking, im the one that ended it, it would be better than him saying goodbye?
it is so much worse now.
it is getting to the point where, my smile, my laughter,
aren't covering it,
a point where I truly cannot hold up this façade.
and when people notice, when they say hey, are you okay?
my holy ****,
I drop so much farther down that ******* hole,
I am dragged, pulled to that place where I remember him, and then it is all over from there,
why of course I must escape this ****.