I was welcomed at hells gates
I was expecting a little more fire
Instead there was a line of people
And the body odor was terrible.
I looked around to see if I'd see anyone I knew
I always get so uncomfortable in lines
I hate them actually.
Every time I reached the front
I would get sent all the way to the back all over again.
I got a bad feeling in my gut
That this was it
This was my Hell.
I dug around in my pockets
And found a note that said
Welcome to Hell.
I got so thirsty sitting in that **** line
And I kept looking and I saw a water fountain
Kind of strange for Hell to have this glorious Culligan Water fountain
I knew the water would be so cold and delicious.
I walked towards the Water Fountain and went to take a drink
And all it did was spray me in the face
But the water never was able to quench my thirst.
this has always been a fear of mine
A Water Fountain spraying me in my face.
I was starting to get discouraged coming back and forth from the
****** water fountain back into the horrible stinking line of people.
I thought I'd at least be able to get into Hell.
It seemed like an eternity before I got to the Gates again
And when I finally reached them
I was greeted by The Devil Himself
He said "Sorry that took so long we got a special place for you here"
I looked him up and down
And the guy really wasn't wall that scary
I mean he had this sinister look to him
But nothing like I expected
Honestly I was a little disappointed.
I asked him where do you got me staying after all these years I'm finally here
And I'll be honest I'm not very impressed.
No demons
No Fire
No Heavy Metal Music
I don’t even see ****** or Ted Bundy
I was really hoping these cats would be here.
Honestly this place is pretty dead.
Like a really ****** bar that no one wants to be in
It's like I’m drinking alone in this Dive Bar.
I was just in line with
All these ******* people
And none of them are here!

Tell me why this is
Why did all those people suddenly vanish?
And I got in
And NO ONE IS HERE!

The Devil looked at me
Took my hand
And told me congratulations
All the other people asked to be saved by Jesus
And you just kept standing there praying that you could get into this
******* gate, sit down, and have some water.
The Devil pulled up a chair
Poured a glass of water
And Said Welcome to Hell.

We lit a couple smokes
Poured a nice strong glass of Jameson
And watched the Gates for the next sucker to fall for the trick.