I don't think I'll ever understand    
why I am the way I think I am    
or where this face came from    
the one I wear for everyone    
so full of joy and energy    
when did I learn to lie so well?    
I have always been a terrible liar    
but now, you believe everything    
or maybe you just don't want to    
see all the things wrong with me    
because I can't be selfish    
I won't take away from you    
just because I don't have it    
    
But no one ever sees    
the truth about me    
it's not in my eyes    
or on my lips    
no clues to be had    
just a smile when I'm there    
and a few tears when I'm here    
because while here is far away    
nothing could be further    
than the loneliness I feel    
having to watch you    
be happy    
    
And I'm happy for you    
and the life ahead of you    
but my jealousy is slipping    
someone is bound to catch on    
to this selfishness    
because it is selfish    
to want something like that    
to believe that I deserve    
such an amazing miracle    
after all the sin    
and hate    
and awful that I've been    
in this short life    

Terrible people don't deserve    
happy endings    
and I am a terrible person    
I hate    
I judge    
I have betrayed    
and I have wounded    
where no apology could salve    
no repentance can save    
such a terrible person as I    
for all the love given to me    
I still want more    
I want THAT love    
to be selfless for another    
a commitment of eternity    
hands and heartbeats    
a life lived together    
for each other    
a real love    
the only love    
I have never known.