the smoke leaves your lips
curling away in the breeze
a vapor of something inside you
caught in the whorls
whatever it is, I like it.

too much
and not enough
echoing voices shouting nightmares
brazen hollow notes for perfection
without justifying who this is perfect for
because it is not you
it is not me
who are these voices to sound our ears
with their nonsense standards of living
I'll be the judge of that!
who would I be too much for, anyway?
I could never be too much for me
and I have always been enough
and if that's good enough for me
the rest can stuff it.

I do not know if these emotions
are you or if they're me
I do not know anymore
if this is how it ought to be
so if this beautiful thing does fail
it is because I failed to see
any separation now
between us, you and me

it is against this willful heart
which I pray for the strength
to survive its beatings
that leave my sorry mind
so battered and bruised

The ghost of you is everywhere
I imagine you walking in the room
I smell your scent by the stairs
I can hear your gravelly laughter boom

Every time I speak aloud
it echoes all around
you're not here I am alone
no one else to be found

This place is like a graveyard
a lonely tomb long after dark
where I sit with our memories
as my emotions begin to spark

A whimper crawls up my throat
all I can do is stupidly stare
to hold my body still
Oh how I wish you were here!

You could make me safe and warm
sheltering heart and kindly song
so strong against these storms
but this time you are gone

The ghost of you is everywhere
I might just tear this house apart
which seems sensible and useless
to heal the hole inside my heart

Wait a minute, I've heard a sound
so my voice cries into the void
laying bare all this tight betrayal
as very loudly I am paranoid

Hold on, a key slides in the lock
my anguish is stilled but brief
but then I am angry to be disturbed
in the middle of all my grief

Quickly I run to the door
but my hurt explodes to purest joy
I jump right into your arms
as you exclaim, "Who's a good boy!"

may the clouds always part
when you wish to view the moon
may rain fall upon your crops
and send them into bloom

may you see the best of joy
all throughout your life
may the sun shine warmly down
when you must experience strife

may the world always greet you
with arms open, strong, and kind
may you always find the courage
to truly speak your mind

may you always seek the truth
where ever it might be
may the waters smooth for you
should you choose to be at sea

may the path be clear and clean
may you never go astray
but if your heart shall falter, know
you are stronger than today

and may those you love surround you
when at last the end draws near
and may you always keep in mind
that we have always held you dear

PANIC
omgomgomgomgomg
no no no no
BREATHE
just breathe
NOPE LOL
there is no breathing
this is PANIC
blush, blush hard
oh yeah baby
burn in the fires of your own hell
WELCOME TO HELL *****
take up your anxiety and fears
that existential crushing guilt
for things you never did
it's all you never wanted!
it's all you're ever good for
you ****
tote those ******* around
until your arms ache
keep those knees up!
back straight!
just who do you think you are?
YOU'RE NOTHING
worthless
junk
waste of space, waste of time
this is all that you deserve
and you don't even deserve this much
here havealittlemore PANIC
wait did you just scream?
No, don't you dare scream!
how can you even do that?
give me back your breath!
that no longer belongs to you!
*****
WORTHLESS TRASH
PANIC OWNS YOU NOW
and it's all your fault!
you did this by being born!
you're just awful!
hey!!
HEY
hey wait a minute
what are you doing?
Who is that man and what are those
pills?
NO DON'T TAKE THAT
IT'LL MAKE YOU WORSE
I SWEAR IT
WOULD I EVER LIE TO YOU?
NO!
DON'T.
STOP.
Stop.
Sssst...o...ppp.....
................­............................
blink
oh?
OH
Oh my.
Hello.  This is your mind.
It's... it's been a while.
Hi.
...
.....
I just wanted to say....
umm....
thank you
for taking care of yourself.
...
.....
You're really quite special
I hope you know that
even if you don't feel it
just right now.
......
You are a warrior.
...
.....
and I love you.

I am not precisely sure
exactly where I was
when it occurred
which of itself
concerns me
it seems a pity
really
not to notice
when so all at once
every dream I've ever had
vanished completely
not even leaving
a memory
or other note
of their passing
almost as if they had
quite suddenly
died.

It always seems odd to me
how afraid people are
of their mortality
not just about timing
but scared to die at all
Will it hurt?
Where will I go?
Were the religions right?
These things obsess them
Tie them into knots
full of worry
I don't get it
I have never been afraid to die
I do not care about the pain
and if I had a choice
my request is simple
make it quick.

I died without you
and we can start the story there
because
when you're dead
there's only the backstory
the tragic truths no one wanted
especially when you were alive

And the strangest things
happen when you're dead
that floaty wonder
almost like wings
but then you have that sinking feeling
that lived in your belly
while you still drew breath

A painful breath
one after another
dying for so long
that death isn't even a relief
it's just death
one state to another
because there are some things
that outlast death
and this is one of them

I died without you
not because I was too young
dying before my time
killed in some way
by your action or inaction
stolen like spring on the first morn of summer
No, that did not happen
for I died when I was old
wrinkled and jaded
a life lived long
too long
just long enough
to understand
why it was alone.

One of the best things
in being halfway through hell
is that you're already
halfway out.

I am depressed
Life holds so little
meaning
and my days are routine
all the laughter I bring
is just noise that echoes
hollow
some may consider death
but why rush the inevitable
for we are all
going to die
and that comforts me
for why should I end
this prolonged suffering
when merely waiting
will save me the trouble
and everyone else
the pain?

What now?
I haven't even said a thing
yet the conversation is over
why do we even need to talk at all?
is this some elaborate charade
where you satisfy your selfish need
to always feel superior?
                      We both know what will be said
                      We both know how this goes down
                      all I wish is that you had
                      the kind of faith in me
                      which I've always given you
                      but at least I got to see
                                          who you really are
                                          and where we really stand
                                          that neither of us was perfect
                                          and I was the only one
                                                      who didn't care.
so what now?
     things can't go back
                  I can't trust you
                              and it's breaking me inside
                                      just to know any of you now
                                      just knowing what you do
                             to those you call your friends
                  it makes me wonder how
you manage to have any friends at all

there is no way out of this
no chance to be friends like before
all the love and loyalty
is now entirely gone
replaced by a facade for the sake of those
who are still my friends
and your friends

                                                 I don't know what to say
                   I was mad at first
                   when you betrayed me
                   but I should have known better
                          I should have known better
                          I should have known
                                                           ­    better.

you are an open book
of folded and missing pages
you speak the truth
into swirls of thick smoke
with a challenge in your eyes
and kindness on your tongue

Here!  Take this stick
They are coming for you
This is the fight of your life
you versus the lions
with naught but a stick in your hands
the distant roars a constant reminder
of the shadows in your memories
you cannot cry out for help
with an elephant on your chest
you can't even turn away
From the trainwreck of your life
drugged in a chemical cocktail
that your genes made for you
forced into your system
by little sensitive triggers
or really nothing much at all
a roller coaster you never wanted on
buckled in and you can't get out
you can't get out
you cant' escape the darkness
that closes in on your vision
or the racing of your heart
hammering and fluttering all at once
terrified that this is how you die
while also kind of excited
knowing that you are dead anyway
what is one day sooner?
it would be so easy
just a little slip and a bit of blood
or a quick trigger and a bullet
the brainpan goes squish
it would be so easy
to drop this stick and fall upon it
like some old fashiioned tale
I wish I could help you
to tell you that stick is really a wand
and you are capable of magic
with a flick of the wrist
you can start to change it all
that the lions are real
but they are very slow
with gums instead of teeth
that these shadows are only there
because you did not add light
they will recede and never leave
but they also won't have control
I wish I could help you
but all I can do
is remind you that what you hold
is not just a stick
and that you are not just sick
you are not your condition
but made of starstuff and determination
that you once had dreams too
and how much I love
the legacy of your heart
written in your eyes
pain and joy and compassion
I wish I could tell you that I too
learned to use that magic
that my lions became kittens
soft and sweet with just a little bite
and my shadows became shade
that I rest under when the world is too much
because it always will get that way
you will have good days
and bad days
and both are ok
it's not easy to wave that stick
it's not easy to roar back at the dark
this is the fight of your life
but you, and your life
are worth every swing
because you are perfect
and kind
and made of magic.

It's not just me
Fighting to be the best me
It's me being better
Than all those memories
Of whoever came before
The invisible monsters
Screaming "Danger Will Robinson"
As I stumble down
The unfamiliar path
To your heart

Slick red nails
and a black shirt
A hole in the heart
Is where it hurts
If you show me yours
Then I'll show you mine
Come on now baby
It's time to shine

Fiery lips
Teeth and sin
Hot words fly
And break the skin
Lose control
You came to win
But that's not what happens
In the end

Long dark nights
And an empty soul
Madness has a price
Now pay the toll
Laugh like a queen
Feeling like a clown
Nowhere to go
But you're going down

Slick red nails
Dragging in the dirt
A hole in the heart
Is where it hurts
Time will tell
Yet it's naught but lies
I can't say much
But at least I tried

A wooden box
And a shiny gun
Walk ten paces
Then take the turn
Aim at me baby
Now's your chance
It's only you and me
Come on let's dance

Blue eyes smiled
On a black heart
It was going bad
Long before the start
You took my hand
Said we'd be together
You were such a fool
You should know better

Slick red nails
And a black shirt
A hole in the heart
Is where it hurts
An empty soul
And an empty gun
With a smile like mine
You should have run.

You are the thaw
which       turns my
                             winter
             into spring
    a gentle voice
       the warmest breeze
   to blow away
                my frost
           and make
the blossoms
grow.

Little pillows
Rice and flowers
Pretty gowns
And count the hours
Waiting with baited breath
For trusting hearts
Then tying knots
Shined up shoes
The sober priest
Looking joyful
As two hands meet.

I feel so terribly lost
My heart and my home
No longer agree
Nothing is simple
And it never was
But I try to do what's best
It just doesn't seem
To work out
Setting me adrift once more
In a sea of uncertainty
Though there is
One thing I'm certain of
And that's that I
Want to be
Where you are

It's just a box
Something to put other things in
Storage, if you will
Of memories attached to the physical
And so we are attached
To what we put in the box
Enough that even in waking
It will haunt our dreams
It's just a box
Four walls, a top, a bottom
Some detail here and there
Not too terribly complex
It even comes with a split lid
So that everyone can see the view.

Wondering
if I'll ever find my place
in the world
Maybe
I'll live long enough
to find it
or just die trying
Perhaps my only goal
is to orchestrate my death
with my last breath
and not
when my spirit dies
leaving me more lost
and alone
than I feel right now
Perhaps that
is what peace feels like.

Just a quick walk
From here to there
One point to another
Though there is no point
In the exercise
Only a simple moving
From one state to another
One lie to another
Leaving behind truths
Too hard to bear
And burdens we no longer want

there are a good many things
to mistake in this world
but do not make the mistake
of mistaking my feelings
as being similar the the ones
of your own mistake.

Life is full
of lessons
well worth earning
just remember
if you want to cheat
that this is real life
and the only grade
is pass/fail.

you hands shake
just a little tremor
the only real show
         of emotion
              that belies the calmness
                        of your face

Some broken things
Can't be fixed
You broke it
And now you want me
To fix it
That won't happen
You broke my faith
You shattered my trust
And now
I don't know if
You deserve redemption
Forgiveness
Or even
My kindness
You broke us
And some broken things
Just can't be fixed.

The only thing
                  I will ever regret
                            is





nothing.

Run away, child
Go as far as you can
It's not safe here
Not at all
Things are trying
Desperately
To worm into your brain
Don't let them in!
Run!  Go fast now, child
And maybe this once
It will be far enough
To get you away
From the silly nonsense
Of having dreams.

I must speak with you
on a matter most urget
it is of my heart
of the cloud settled there
my mistrust
the sheer uncertainty
of the hearts of those
nearest me
why can we not speak
except that I am wrong
when what is wrong with me
is how I am treated?
This was a mistake
all of it was foolish
how could I have let you in
so very far?
Don't I know better
than to let people near?
At this distance
there is no more distance
yet the chasm between
You and I
is immeasurable
I don't know how to fix it
If I let things go
nothing will change
but the changes I'm forcing
are terrifying
and I do not know
if they will make things better
or simply make them worse.

found a penny today
     an ugly little thing
  bent and dull copper
with edges coated green
                    heads was down
                   oh that's bad luck
            I still bent
                             and picked it up
               dropped, forgotten
        and it's just a     penny
     not good enough to keep
           even though it's     money
            life gives a lesson here
                the ugly ones seem cursed
                 not quite true
                                     but still
                             all the pretty ones do go first.

Hollow
I just want to be
Hollow
To hear the
Echo
Of nothingness within
Silent
Just for a moment
Still
And at peace with myself
Awhile
Though perhaps
Maybe
I don't deserve it
Cursed
Is my whole life
Blessed
In many things, yet
Never
That one thing that is
Dearest
To my aching soul
Forsaken
In the bitterest of ends
Blind
Because my heart still finds
Hope
Even in the bleakest of
Times
A ray of light emerges
Agony
To eyes so used to the dark
Piercing
Every part of my being
Until nothing is left
But holes
Pain
Fear
Suffering
Darkness
Enveloping as I bleed out
Bleeding love
Joy
Faith
Hope
Admiration
Respect
Trust
So broken
Rejected in the end
The bitter end
My end
Finality
Finally
The end.

Thump
Thump thump
Thumpity thump
And it flips over
Flopping on the floor
Like a ****** up fish
Gushing and gooing
Just everywhere
Oh god
It's everywhere
The blood and thicker things
Thump thump
Thumping on the floor
As though it were
Taking a final breath
Dying, right there, on the floor
(Thump)
****, I'd just cleaned in here
For pity's sake
What is wrong with me
(Thump thump)
Letting this happen
Again
As if I never learn
Always doing the same thing
Over and over
(Thump)
At least, now that we're here
(Thump)
All of this
Will soon
Be
(Thumpity thump)
Over
As my heart lies there
Thumping blood onto the floor
Blood and all of my love
****** from my chest
For all my bad decisions
Every hopeful moment
Each rejection of love
The betrayals and backstabs
(Thump)
All of it
Over
At last.
Silence.

I see you, with those
Clear blue eyes
So sure and unsure
Angular face
Oh that slow grin
A charmer, you are
With your villain's beard
Quick with your hugs
And your kindness
So much passion in you
It can be frightening
But we all want to be seen
As strong
To be the hero
You are a hero
You are my hero
And you always will be.

change may rattle sharply
but that's what change is for
find a penny have good luck
but luck doesn't pay bills
so work hard every day
save your pennies for tomorrow
it sounds real good except
there's no such thing as tomorrow
there is only ever today
so go do what you're told
be what they made you to be
follow all the same rules
just remember something for me
they also made the ships
berthed safe in the harbor
but that's not what you, or ships
are made for.