I want to be numb. I don't want to feel any longer.

I remember in the 80s a popular song was:
Red, red wine you make me feel so fine......

I've been drinking red wine tonight,
taken a couple of ativan with a shot of *****
and I'm still not completely numb.

What can I do to just be numb
and no longer feel any of this bone crushing pain.

How does anyone get through this?

I leave my mask on all day long,
and ignore the lump in my throat that never goes away,
making it nearly impossible to swallow.
All day I choke back tears - and anticipate the darkness,
when my husband and children are asleep
and I can finally let loose the tears of sadness and anger,
and remorse and hopelessness that have been building inside of me all day long.

Alone,
I cry until there are no more tears,
and I fall asleep from exhaustion.
Then I sleep for 3-4 hours
and the whole process begins again.

It doesn't get any better.