I hate the fact
that I let you control me.
I obeyed your every command
without thinking,
did whatever you asked
without blinking.
I said I was fine when I was not,
and I conveniently "forgot"
about every promise that you broke
because, for whatever reason, I still had hope
that we could somehow make it work,
even though it ******* hurt.

I hate the fact
that I let you destroy me.
You told me you didn't love me
without blinking.
I fought back tears,
my heart sinking.
I cut my wrists until they bled
and watched as the bathwater turned red.
I kept pills in my desk drawer
because I had no chance of winning this war,
and even though I begged you to stay,
I blamed myself for pushing you away.

I hate myself
for being so weak,
for accepting defeat,
for the cutting, the drinking.
I don’t know what I was thinking.
Pink and white scars cover my skin
because I was dumb enough to let you in.
I learned my lesson, but at a cost.
You can’t hold on to what is lost.