Recorded my goodbye
a whole month ago.
I dropped that heavy word
but now, I just don't know.

Because if I had ****d you,
Wouldn't I have fought?
Wouldn't I have bitten back,
Against the end you wrought?

And if I had ****d you,
Wouldn't I have tried?
To swallow your friendship,
Even knowing that you lied?

These questions seize me,
And rattle my spine.
Brand me ashamed,
As though I crossed a line.

And then it floods back:
My certainty, my rage;
That howl of grief...

If this was not ****, nothing is.