I wonder
Is it possible to be
An Accidental Anorexic?

I eat one meal a day, typically speaking
Not for lack of hunger
Or food
Sometimes I eat myself into nausea
Without meaning to,
Devouring like a black hole
Then regretting it.
The hunger is not sated, but nausea rises
Am I breaking
What if I
What if
No.

Today I had dinner.
Yesterday I had lunch.
I don't hunger until 10 in the morning and
By then it's much too late most days
I wait for lunch
Starving
But it's like they don't try to make it food.
A deliberate insult to the gnawing pain,
Mocking my inability to stomach it
I can hear my mother
"You're not really hungry if you won't eat it"
But I am

I'm so tiny.
I've experimented
Eating nothing
Eating so much
The little needle doesn't care. It's the same.
Every.
Time.

I want to be able to change a part of me
Which is apparently a sign
That you're suicidal
That desire for control over some aspect of your life.
I won't cut my hair
So is it food?
Is that my control?
Am I
Accidentally Suicidal
Too?