i feel so rotted through my bones ache and my eyes are sunken my stomach touches my back my arms leaden my feet broken my heart slowing my fingers struggle to output the resignation of my mind the desecration of my time the devastation of my life it feels like my life is over and i just keep going like the last round of hurting wasn't enough to convince me thoroughly enough that this world isn't for me and these people aren't either but i just keep going i can't give up now knowing my problems are someone else's blessing i'm just tired of the universe testing me i lost my brother my sister almost too this saturday the little family i barely have not my blood relations just my only reservations my few considerations still i'm well aware everyone is gonna go whether they leave me now or later whether by choice or by nature why is it so wrong i want to do it on my own terms youth is no excuse to enable suffering if in the meantime all i can do is be punished for trying it's unsuprising i'd be so romanticized with dying i know he's lying to me but my god it's tantalizing to be sacrificed intead of sacrificing