I don’t mean to
and I will probably never completely stop feeling this way,
but so much of me is.. angry
It comes out in all forms for me
my 28 year almost 29 year old self still feels like that defensive little girl I was when I was 8
the one who wished to be someone else, anywhere else where being happy lived
so much time has passed and I find myself making the same mistakes I was falling into when I first thought about dying
now I’m angry for the version of myself I never got to be because now it’s too late and I’ll never really know
if I would have been trustworthy and smart
if I would have thought of myself as beautiful and strong
if I would have felt like I was capable
Instead I’m stuck being an angry 8 year old who doesn't know how to control herself