snow

self portrait at thirty years old and i’m drinking myself into my mother. the mirrors have forgotten my image. i do terrible things in front of them. i’m not above that. terrible things. i killed my mother. banished her. stole her body. i replaced my memory of her with replicas of me. it was surgical. it was an extraction. the hurt was sublime. i stand in front of a mirror with a cranberry juice and *****. i stick out my tongue. i put on mascara. i drink. i was not a good daughter

snow

self portrait at thirty years old and i’m bleeding. this means my mind is on fire. this means my body is abstractly dark. this means i dream of katharsis. a letting of pain. heaven, but heaven is a bathtub where i can open my veins. where i can empty myself of the beetles, of the leeches, of the spiders. of all the tiny monsters with their tentacles and their claws. i want them out. a body can’t hold

snow

i want to tell you a story but the whole story is too long. i can gloss over it. i can pick a spot. six years old, sunday school bathroom. i was hiding, only i’m not great at that. the sunday school teacher found me and took me back to the classroom. the other kids were singing. the sunday school teacher stood in front of windows so yellow with sky and held up her hands. she talked about jesus. she said jesus could save us. idk. i already knew about danger. i already knew about wanting to be saved. the sunday school teacher asked if we all loved jesus, and we all said yes. then the sunday school teacher called on each kid and asked them if jesus could live in their hearts. and i got real scared. i got numb. i got static. i didn’t want jesus to do that. i thought it was permanent. i thought it was a *******. i thought it would burn me like a brand. i thought, if i did this, i could have no other. and what if i wanted another. what if another could save me better. what if jesus hurt all the time and i couldn’t give him back. so i said no. i didn’t want jesus in my heart. and everybody was disappointed. and i think about it every day. what was my little soul thinking. what was my little soul wanting. waiting for. is it out there. can i have it now