He blows his nose on tablecloths
And wipes his *** with the decorative hand towel hanging on the rod
Then, he tries to flush it
Overflows the toilet, but hides his ****** evidence
He brings a boom box into church to listen to ol’ ***** ******* and NWA
He gets ejected from libraries because he wanks off into encyclopedias
He wears cleats on the basketball court
He turns the batteries over in every remote he encounters
He drives around neighborhoods in the summer, blasting ice cream truck music, carrying no ice cream, or even ice
He covers rocks with snow, and throws “snowballs” at little kids
He secretly walks up behind old ladies and puts gum in their hair
He dines and dashes at every restaurant, after being incredibly rude to the waitstaff
He puts superglue on flies, and dangles them in front of frogs
He brings dandelions wherever he goes, so he can blow them all over every well-manicured lawn he sees
He takes all but the last four squares of toilet paper out of every restroom he enters
He never refills the ice trays
He dumps all the juice out of the pickle container, and leaves the pickles with the lid off
He slits long openings into window screens
He cuts the wicks off too short on candles
He goes on the office morning coffee run, and gets everyone decaf
OK.  I’m lying
He doesn’t do any of those things
But he’s still a ****
For unnamed reasons