Poem: Empty where you lay

Two decades and one year
Ruptured by my heart

I watch
immobilised
as my frontal lobe detaches and slips out under my door
Too afraid of my agony
Of my actions performed in the darkness
It abandons me
Protecting the parts left attached
of the constant-

-What would you look like now?
Sound like now?
Would you be happy?
Lonely?
At peace with yourself?

Would you possess the heart of a warrior?
Or a peace maker?
Soul of angel?
Or just the mind of a poet?
                     ...............................
I apprehend your second chance of this life
It cracks my spine and spits out splintered regrets
The perfect parents you'll be given
Survival of the fittest
I pull at my lips to form a smile
Because I love you-
Because I know this is a better path for you

I gouge out my eyes
And push them inside my heart

Every space you occupied
Each song you sang
Every performance
I am there in another land
I've memorised every word
Felt every beat

On the pitch at football
Playing with friends
Twisted limbs
Tears hidden beneath my feet
Your first love
First broken heart
I feel them all.....

I fabricate your sadness
As I scream into the cave of my mind
I wretch and choke out for Aphrodite

But she is elsewhere, having cocktails with her Goddess companion, Isis,
in celebration of their latest triumphs
For those hand picked to fulfill their hearts desires
Who live without empty echos
And chaotic minds
Those with a stillness, percolated deep
Carrying auras of golden warmth
Mistaken by the humming bird as nature's
Glowing nectar

I fear those women more than anything in this-
my life
I run
So my jealousy remains caged
                     ............................
I find my frontal lobe at the bottom of a bottle
Sedated in sediment
My local pub say they'd go under without my custom
A weird, turbulent, symbiotic relationship
Gnawing into my desperation

If I were a Disney character
the film by now
nearing it's final scenes
There would be some joyful moral to my sadness
I'd be rescued from myself and live
happily ever after
No voids
No aches
No emptiness

But my scenes are a deadly, grave reality
My cheeks soaked with a desperation
To know
To feel
To love
The fight was lost before gender picked you
Not a fingernail nor strand of hair
for me to swallow
Nothing of you resides within me
Just an unknown
Silent wailing

Self punishment mocks my fragile mind
As it wills me to imagine your scent
Eyes burnt shut
Your shadow runs past freely
Faint laughter falls and stings my lobes
It belongs to you
I know it is you

Knees cracked
Praying for a God, any God
Stitch the fragments of my brain
Begging Aphrodite or her peers for a second chance
Any mythology will do
Desperation knows no limits

BUT NOTHING......................................

Just painful silence of empty echos
My womb forever
................................Empty where you lay.