Anytime i've had a little wine, and i'm feeling as if the world is against me, certain memories like to flood my brain.

One time I almost told you I loved you
because I knew you wanted to hear it.
and another time I let you put your tongue down my throat,
because I knew you wanted to do that, too.
Who was I to say no?
You were nice. You let me pick all the records out.
You bought all the wine. You let me talk and complain, and talk and complain.
So who was I to say no?
Want another ***** cranberry?
yes
Want to take this hydrocodone?
sure
My friend is in town and has real good coke!
ok lets do it

Motels. Boxed wine. Cigarettes. Pills.
(my love language apparently)
I can still see myself wandering the narrow halls of a highway budget motel, looking for an escape, but knowing there wasn't one.
You were passed out on the bed, exhausted from a night of drugs and drunk ***. (Oh, you poor, tireless thing!)
You looked dead almost. Dead but pleased. It pleased me to think maybe you were dead. Then I realized that would be a complete **** situation.
I sat there and poured a glass of wine and stared at you. (by glass of wine, I mean cup of wine. The thin plastic mouthwash cups that come with the motel room)
Nope, not dead. So I took the hotel key and snuck out with the plan of not returning, as if I could actually get away with it.

I found myself at the motel pool. I lit up the last cigarette and sat there.
I think my soul left my body as
I listened to the cars zoom by on the highway. The freedom they had. They were going home to their loved ones. Or, at least they weren't stranded at a 1 star motel with a master manipulator.
I sat there,
wrapped in the invisible chains of lies and regret.
Just sat there. Soul-less.
And then it dawned on me..
I can't leave. I can't make this grand escape I had planned in my head.
So out went the cigarette,
and out went the light in our motel room.
As I crawled into bed,
You were snoring and
the sun was about to come up.
I had never wanted a sunrise more in my life.
And you just laid there and snored, as I lied there wishing I had more drugs to put me out of my misery