I’ve done what they said
Cleaned up my space, put on a brave face
And I’ve dressed myself up
Combed my hair back, just to distract
From all those little qualities I still lack
And I’ve put on a smile
Nose buried in books so I don’t have to look
At my phone
Every ten seconds to see if you replied
I’ve done what they’ve asked

I took a few deep breaths
Taking pressure off my chest
Trying to understand
Why all these words make me feel like
My spine is folded and compressed
And why I can’t seem to stop
Thinking or dreaming or even believing
In a future that I know
Is my brain’s way of deceiving
Me
But it’s hard to think better
To do
Better
Hard to wrap my mind around
Every single sigh and sound
Because every time your feet hit the ground
My heart sputters and pounds
Waiting for my eyes
To see you around the bend

It’s insane
I keep talking myself out of it
Because I know the weight’s about to hit
And I know it’ll be
Too heavy to hold, but I don’t want to fold
Because when I see those eyes
Of chestnut and gold
I find myself gasping
It’s not you
It can’t be you
But each time I lie
I suddenly find
That everything I’ve worked for
Doesn’t feel quite right

And if it’s not you
I don’t want it

In every face I’m seeking your gaze
In every conversation I’m always amazed
At how I listen for your voice
And I search for your smile
In every stranger on the street
Because I know you aren’t mine
Even though I want you to be
And I’ve wanted that from the start
It’s the same ******* story
Pouring out of my heavy broken heart
That every time I think about it
I’m tearing myself apart
Because if it’s not you
If
It’s not you

I don’t want it.