i've been reflecting on the topsy side
of feeling strong and healthy
and the turvy side of feeling
a sickly white morbidity
evoking a phantasmal contoured toilet shaped bed pan
and the scent of syringes
bathing in alcohol

when feeling better
i sleep less
feel more alert
eat lotus and drink bone broth
becoming more active
and ambitious
but with it
more demanding  
impatient  
raw with anxiety
agitated and vitriolic
like a buzzing electrical box
in a flood
with crisscrossing wires
shorting
and tainting the air  

when feeling poorly
i turn in on myself  
as if walking on my knees
wanting to avoid  interaction
feeling more and more
like a square peg in a round hole
i become docile
my insides a wandering ghost
in ethers of the unimaginable
a hanging mouth
hung on a face
like falling sand
  
i ask myself is illness
a drug
used to bow out
think about dead people
avoid hurt and stress
to let go 
as if floating through
some intestinal filaments
like an undigested spot of cheese
and a fish head
drawing closer to the shadows  
feeling the numbing of desire
and all the blah blah blah
so i'm not such an *******
cartwheeling terrors of hot air
with the language of vainglory

just a weight around the neck
of someone i love