I know there are a lot of people
who are willing to say that
they hate themselves
But you can usually tell which
ones actually mean it
It's a heartbreaking thing-
to watch someone loath
their own existence
I never said it
Because I wasn't looking for
a comforting disapproval of my
disordered thoughts or a
flattering disagreement about
the way my hair fell or the size of my waist
I didn't care to be persuaded otherwise
I didn't consider it a possibility to think
any differently and so
I left it inside my mind
And that's a small part of the reason why
I knew it was entirely real
And still,
I can't honestly describe
exactly what it's like
It's not all violent
Depressing
Ugly
And
Dark,
hating yourself
It doesn't beg to scratch its
way out of your skin,
hating yourself
It stays hidden inside your skull
And no one outside of you
seems to have the intuition
necessary to connect the dots
The way you step over yourself
Like a grave
You don't think twice
You're not your own concern
You're looking at the people
who live all around you
Just to avoid the person who lives inside you
Doing everything in your power to make
sure they are as okay as they can be
Because you have decided you'll never
recover but you long to
see someone else rise out of the rubble
He loved me mercilessly
And I loved him painfully
But I couldn't bare the burn
of his eyes focusing on mine
I felt like I was the punch line of some sick joke
There was no way someone so flawless
Could care for someone as plagued as me
So I pushed and pushed and pushed
Until the distance was evil
But somewhere along the love I had for him
I found the love I have for me
Burrowing itself into the ground
I grabbed it by the ankles
And pulled it from the soil
He's long gone since
And now I just can't understand
Why there isn't a person in this world
To love me as much as I do
What's wrong with their eyes
What's wrong with their minds
I'm fine
So fine
What are they missing
When they look me in the eyes?