Still thinking of you, I tipped the bottle back until my eyes became black like the soulless stare of a grizzly bear. It's such a shame when you know you're going to ruin your day, but you just keep on chugging away. I had the stones in my hands, trying to skip, but I could not stand even for a small hobby. Women nearby took interest, wanting my small frame as trophy for their wall. And in the end, they were beautiful, but they couldn't answer to your call. You're a tough act to follow, old love. Now I've noticed you haven't missed me. I notice you severed all ties. That's truly the worst pain. I miss your voice, your smile, I can still hear you laugh... and cry. You keep trying to tell me that I don't love you anymore, that I can't possibly feel that for you, because I no longer know you. The truth is I know you better than I should. I know you like to convince yourself that everything's alright and that the loneliness doesn't hurt. I know you think this way because we think just the same. I try and tell myself I hate you now, our friends say they don't understand why we were in the first place. I know why. Because I could break you when you needed to be broken, I could keep you awake and put you to sleep. I could read your God ****** mind and you know it's true. Nowadays, I just want something to do with you. You realize how hard it is to find friends when you're someone like me? No one seems to care much for the things I think. Only you understood. Now I just want the luxury of speaking to you because you're the best friend I ever had. I still remember when you pulled a cigarette out of my mouth and broke it in half and smashed it against a wall and made me watch you throw it over the balcony into the fresh December snow. I remember your first acid trip. I sometimes lock myself in dreams because I know you'll hate me when I wake up. I stay asleep just to talk to you, cuddle you. Sometimes I stay asleep so I can feel you yelling at me, because even that is better than how you have chosen to ignore me. I wake up wishing for the day when I woke up and you were still holding on to me. I remember that moment because I loved simply being held by you. I remember sneaking kisses under the covers as if no one would see us, not caring who did. I remember ******* off my sister until she'd bang on the wall and we would just laugh, you on top of me. I remember visiting the cemetery for ***. I remember my eighteenth birthday, when you gifted me with a third party then got jealous and went home crying. And hindsight is 20/20 because if I knew what I know I would have been more focused on keeping you than I was on having ***. I remember our unbelievable compatibility in bed. I remember when you put your hand on my cheek, when you asked if you could kiss me, when you invited me to meet your family then finally let me date you. I remember all the time we spent fighting, or that you spent telling me I was useless because I couldn't afford to make decisions. I remember you screaming at me in your car because I didn't care what we ate for dinner ******* it as long as I ate it with you. I remember jumping out of your car. I remember laying awake at night, taking to you on the phone while you withered away in rehab. I remember talking to you until we slept because we were both so alone. I remember all this and I'm sure you do as well, so why can't we just talk and be friends again? I only want to speak to someone with a very real desire. Someone with hope. Someone with a mind.

I'm sorry Emma. But I think my love for you is the only real feeling I have left.