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Apr 14 · 21
Nameless King
Ryan Bowdish Apr 14
I fantasize about other lives
Fantastical dragons and werewolf cries
Ready to renounce my given name
No longer committed to the game
Ready to join the opposing side
Ready to revel in suicide
Prepare to die a million times
This existence is penance for your crimes.
Ryan Bowdish Jan 9
Set it all on fire
And douse it with crocodile's tears
No one will ever listen
This is how it is now.

Decisions, decisions.

Set it all on fire
And douse it with your darkest fears
It isn't going to change.
This is how we go down.

Such beauty in this eternal sadness
Eternal sadness
Eternal madness

No reflection

Phoenix feathers and mountain's breath
Crocodile tears and a timely death
Dec 2019 · 31
Routine
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2019
If I could just release this tension,
Dissect this disease,
Understand the hatred that habitually feeds
The darkest corners of my subconscious fantasies,
**** the pain in me,
****** your apathy,
**** your power over me,
I could finally understand the meaning of being free.

It kills me to think that I'm in love with somebody
Who has such power over me that I resort to hiding
Inside of myself and revealing no feelings
Because everything I say is just so unappealing
To your good time and while you're so happy drinking
I'm cleaning your messes and raising our offspring
And begging you to just break the ******* routine
And get off your *** and pretend that you love me.

Good luck with being sober without the support of a partner
Because that's all I ******* do now.
To my lovely wife
Nov 2017 · 252
Neighbor
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
My daughter won't sleep
Because racism makes her anxious
And you really showed your true colors
Time for me to stop being complacent
It's amazing that you think you got a case
Bet you one time told you to get your **** straight
Can't tell if you just shut up or got taken away
But it's good to know I didn't have to smash your face
C U Next Tuesday
Nov 2017 · 152
Red
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
Red
I'm from the side of the tracks where you won't come back
Sometimes fade to white, sometimes to black
Secreting the pus of another failed lust
My intentions only bending on a whim or a ****
So break the glass over my face and watch me go hard
If I got no other outlet you better hope you'll go far
Because sickles and hammers aren't only symbolic
They can be used to intrude on your systems metabolic

Contortionists form a fist and slick the road for communists
A bottomless populace heavy handed and cacophonous
Desolate like postulates from existentialists, mop your ****
And follow it with sawed-off ****, shotguns for columnists
So open up these ******* veins, I got no reason to try and change
Scatter-brained, like blood insane in dark fantasies untamed
Unchained and ******* and horse-laced with your taste
My way is the highway so don't **** with my **** deranged

I'm sick like
***, it's exciting
To know you're dying
From the first breath
You're primed for death
And there's nothing left
Like 21 grams
And ***** sexts
It's a blank slate
And my blood's paint
For the walls of
The Satanic Saints
To **** my brain
And **** myself
Because it's easier
Than killing everyone else

No ******* effort, no giving a ****
Surely I am broken like a Muslim's ****
So you're right to be scared
Sure you're checking my history
To make sure that no one
Is trying to **** me
I'm ugly, my soul is black
And I'm happily taking nothing back

I told you I needed an outlet
But don't assume I'm finished yet
I'm just playing baby, you know I love you.
Nov 2017 · 257
Butchery
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
Brutality been building up
Cutting through the marrow
Feels like pork, penny flavored
High tension cord, aroma savored
Laced with liquid hydrocodone
World fades to black as the cleaver falls
(As the cleaver falls)
As the cleaver falls!

Spoken like a true warrior, you scheme
Despise it, revised it like a million times, it
Hurts to think that if it were tangible
I would probably just **** it to death
Scared to let myself get a handle
On the last human feelings I have left

She was a no one, a ghost
Her family left her in her glory days
Tell me, would you even have known
If I chose to keep it hidden away?

White lines on roadsides
Up my ******* nose again
I could **** it twice
This feeling I feel in the end

Every **** time I feel the cleaver fall
It's the whole night over again
A twisted groundhog day forever
Been runnin' since the very first ******
It's been building up
The brutality
And I can finally feel the release
Of the fatality
I'm balancing
Between the oncoming
Traffic
They'll say it was tragic
But not for me
Because I wanted to ******* end it

A shallow grave beckoning
Her bones like excellency
The eel in the cold pit
Slippery like new cement
Slow descent
No incentive
To respect the dead
Feeling the bile rise
Letting it coat her insides
The smell like hospitals
After a travesty

If I could put it in to words
I would just **** it red
Or beat it until my knuckles bled
And I know that if I find some help
I would satisfy
The sickest parts of me
So who the **** is next?

Don't ask me for my number, kid.
Kiss your mama goodbye
Apr 2015 · 529
Carter, Lynn
Ryan Bowdish Apr 2015
The night is the first thing I believed in. My life was surrounded by the desire for darkness, but it wasn't wrong. There was comfort in the simplicity of the stars, the glow of the crescent moon. There was something beautiful about the droning of the crickets keeping me tethered between dreams and the sheets.

There was a love in it, something that i lusted during the day. The still confines of a room, a buzzing light, a desk welded to a chair. I didn't appreciate the sick irony of florescent lights.

Cue the newest deliverance from something we dont understand. You branched into my life like the limbs of the sun, in a dark room, and surprisingly i wasn't upset by it. There was something inside the music you gave me that told me our lives were intertwined. I can't remember the first thing i said to you but i knew i didn't want it to be the last time.

When i wanted to rule the world i thought I'd be happiest if people would just leave me alone, and meeting you taught me that i wasn't ready for a life of loneliness. I think I'll save that for when I'm ninety.

I like to be a person of metaphor and extravagance. But there are occasions when I just don't have the capacity to be clever. You make me too honest. It's good, i rarely see this side of me.

You became the moon to me when we spoke together late nights some months ago. My stars became your words. My life has been stranger than fiction, because you ended up being my antagonist. Challenging me, reminding me who i am and why i exist on this earth.

You were a sonic boom in a cloud of feathers, a banshee in the middle of the bayou, a war horn from a still swamp. I couldn't ignore you. I never could. You always looked and sounded so good.

Even when i didn't earn you personally, I remember only wishing you by me. I remember because our names were the same, and it sounded so nice to hear or names spoken side by side, and so unnerving. Year after year i wished you were alone, I wished you needed me. I was a *******.

And yet there you were, like frozen sound waves during a winter sunlit morning, how your breath forms icicles on the roof. I saw you in a room full of rainbow music and yet you danced to a tune all your own. You knew exactly what i needed to see, what i was dying to hear. The way you laid down rules on me like i was going to be used, and i was happy.

The past is beautiful because we were such fun dumb little kids. This passion never needed to be so hidden. I love how you once told me never to say 'love' because now i can't go a single day without mashing into your head the sheer fact that i love you.

I'm afraid i may end up making some huge mistakes but i will do everything in my power as a human being to stay with you, to love you and be everything you need during the nights when you lack the shine of a crescent moon.

Goodnight, darling.
Mar 2015 · 442
MacArthur
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2015
I have aspired to become someone better over the years.

I used to think depression was beauty and the lowest I could sink would be the best place to start.

My last real effort to get this close to anyone ended in broken memories and a restraining order but I may finally be ready to open back up.

Because you came along like a broken bell composed of the cacophonous melody of the frequency it sang in the forgotten years and exploded into the scene with your first fresh notes in centuries.

Our collision was like a car crash that killed off the worst parts of me.

And I know this is just poetry,
but honey, I think there may be more to this whole game than I planned.

You know how they say you always meet someone when you are trying not to? I had no intention of breaking my ribs open and forcing the world to see whats underneath again. But I have a feeling...

I have a feeling you will see what's inside and you will form the new bones beneath the confines of the veins that pump hope into me.

That's where you'll sleep.

I would say I love you, but I don't think those words really fit. It's more like you are the part of me I lost when I was a child. The part that is supposed to remind me that I'm worth something.
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2014
And when the world turns I laugh like it's my last chance (to laugh again)
And when the drums play I find another who wants to bury their last dance (in burning sand)

She's gonna say no!
She's going to go!
She wants to throw
Your hard work out in snow!

And then you think that maybe you had gone too fast (and then you laugh again)
Because when marriage is the primary topic (maybe you're not)

A MAN.
Where has my will gone, Lord, I implore you?
I know I don't believe but I need answers while I beg for them!
The world says if I help myself I'll hear you!
So maybe it's all my fault when it comes to the end!

So I won't ask again.
Strike me right the hell down
If I ask..............................................................­............


IF I ASK...

To be alone
To understand what home is
To truly own
What I desire to be what hope is
To disown
The undeniable things I wish were unspoken
To enclose
The letters that my heart always wrote and

Burned.
Burned,
And burned.
Burned.
Burned (let's learn the error of our ways)
Burned (Sometimes I wish it were another day!)
And burned (There are lives I wish I could have swayed)
Burned (But the world never stays the same!)

BURNED (We left ourselves out by the temple gate)
BURNED (We led ourselves into a different same)
BURNED (We thought that it would be some other name)
BURN IT ALL (We laugh until the entrance to the gates)

Someday you will see
I am not the man you always feared I would be
Someday you will believe
I am the man you left in indecision.
Someday you will see
I am the person that you hoped you would be
And that day you will see
I raised a flag in what I thought we were truly

But sometime's I'm wrong.
Dec 2014 · 477
Rainbow
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2014
The lore recycles and continues
All things end
And many begin again
This is why tradition fades like sin
And centuries lose themselves within
Moments of unforgivable issues
And we assume ourselves with misuse
And limit ourselves with disbelief
And consume ourselves in fisheye lenses
Like we knew ourselves to be prey to predators
And lure ourselves into traps of pleasure
And confuse ourselves through various measures
We dilute our blood with foreign entries
And we speak til we're blue in face and ******
And rue our own birth and death cuz
We blew ourselves into this mess
We drew ourselves this reckless verse
And ***** ourselves on every turn
But there is a light beyond the stars we think we know
There is a distant life we knew upon infringing our own birth stone
And anguish may be what we think is answers wrapped in shrouded homes
But the truth is that our treasures live beyond time and distance and dismemberment
And though the angel cries that she's asleep, she's too awake to compensate
She's so alive her blood boils thin and she thinks she might die this very day.
Jun 2014 · 1.8k
Suicide Note
Ryan Bowdish Jun 2014
Don't get me wrong, this ain't no suicide note.
But don't get me wrong, I do wanna die tonight.
May 2014 · 575
Priced
Ryan Bowdish May 2014
When lightning strikes a tree
Sap boils, cells explode, bark strips off into oblivion
And the tree melts, revealing a new form to the cool wind.
When you opened your eyes through the guise of a fading child,
I felt this happen to me.

My heart struck by your thunder, the leaves and ashes
Of my nerves
Blasted away
My DNA peeled away and there in its place lay a new man
Melted into the shape you pounded me into
With vicious eyes and stares that disintegrated injustice
Almost like a new world lived within our gaze.

Somehow, this universe has been opened
Time brought us to this moment. Gravity
Pulled us here. Revealed a blind spot in the folds
Between the atoms and the space from my mouth to yours.

We're like magnets
Like polar reversal
Hanging gardens of universal hope
And a lust for comfort
An insatiable hunger for simplicity
And solace

Uncompromisingly, we surpass the unnecessary and move straight into
The Moments We Wished For.

Closed blinds, wax and oil
Steam rising from the drain
Your hands entwined with my spine
Hair a maze for our fingers

You
Are
A mountain of passionate letters
From kids who thought no one would read them,
Sent through the ears of judges who never looked up at their victims

You were an undeveloped diamond
A sunset that someone polluted
With lies of impurity and worthlessness.

You wanted simply LOVE
A true hand to hold you and show you
That not everything in the world was so hopeless

Well your father may not have been the one to do his ******* job
And get right into all the reasons why you're beautiful so let me be the one
To pick up his slack and change you.

You're a raver with skylines in her eyes
An excuse to roll out of bed with a smile
Seventeen years of pent up compassion
Waiting to be released on some lucky bystander
Someone guilty of desiring you
Of telling you
You can do better.

You were always the one
Before we met
Before we did whatever we could to be in the same room for more
Than just a breath

You may be a dragon, a cougar,
A Jackson Pollack spattered with blood and ***
And anger and years of self-doubt

But I am your new canvas

And right now, I am empty.
And you are overflowing with colors.
I think I may actually be more into you than I thought.
Mar 2014 · 512
May
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2014
May
There are pieces of me left behind on your floor
Where my heart still has eyes like a fly on the wall (or flowers)
Mesmerize me with the hair you're always hiding
Under product, colors, straight lines. Nature beats all.
The grace of a new being to enjoy wholly is like ice water in veins
A chilling, dark realization that I can never forget your name.
You've slammed into me like you were playing with planes
And yet the distance between us never seems to change.

To float in the deep end, frozen like the taste of salt
To glide across your tongue and change the symphony of sound
And heartache within you, to be swallowed by you
To rip to pieces the travesties inside you, would have me new.
Somehow I knew when our eyes first met, there was death
Of whoever I used to emulate, so for a time I was breathless
Chest heaving in exasperation to try and find the courage
To explain to you that the world can be easy if you let it.

This beach I lay before you can be glass or coals or clouds
It only matters how you step.
Don't think of fear, let it be known that I
Will always be a part of you.
Someone once told me there are millions in the world
With whom love can be shared.

Well I found one.

I stitch together broken promises and shattered stained glass
Melting the flavors into the conflagration of your laugh
And the oceans do scream your name during ***
And the clouds do cast themselves into darkness
So you can shine at the moon.

A whole galaxy stops for you. You are
Doves with undernurtured wings, aerosol paint spraying
Blue ribbons surrounding my headstone
You are right beside me in dreams, always I am itching to be closer
Subtly marking my inches and counting backwards from a billion
Hoping I hit zero with enough time left in my life
To see you on a rocking chair on my front porch
With a ring on your finger.

Sometimes, I feel like I could smile over at you when we're seventy.
And I could say "Hey you're coffee's getting cold."
And you would say "Fine, you can drink it."
And I gladly would get you more.

While meanwhile you shimmered in sunlight like the master of all rainbows
The queen of black rock, with dragon's blood, and eagle's cries
And I would walk inside and stare back out and hand you
All the pieces left of me from your garage floor,
Along with mended promises and unstained glass.
Feb 2014 · 603
Mawudeku (Revised edition)
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2014
*******, you crazy *****.
I wish you could admit that you don't give a **** about anyone else.
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2014
And for that second when your genes mashed up, that boy was blank
A clean canvas, a selfless portrait, a plane with no industry, who he was for eternity.
Revolutions from within me burst like a bipolar hormonal abomination
Of catastrophic cacophony and discorded anguish, sunlit by the good times
And slightly obscured through tired, teary eyes...
All to be swallowed back into the abysmal sinful cesspool of simple
Cyclical cynical shriveled up and seemingly plentiful
EMPTINESS, where I'm inevitably spit.

Dreaming? Floating in sarcasm, feigning a figure
Shivering with the bonechill that is the outside world
Can't quite remember the last time I woke up or why
Everything is a bit too bright for me to focus correctly...
A bit jittery, a bit sluggish, all suspicious, subtly vicious
Listless and without bliss and sunkissed and unmissed
******* and ******, no goals, don't even have an interest
These troubling times are demonized, where's the exorcist?

Soft ripples in the air bless my ears with wet lips
The pulse setting hammers me into the ground in steaming silence
Some people go their whole lives without ever hearing the call
Hedonism and nihilism are more attractive to us all.
Dust devils spinning in an empty chest cavity
Throwing themselves over mountains in shame
Whisper in harmony to me to be nobody
Go through my life without playing the game...

Pick through these bones, you'll find grey hair and utility bills
Whether you live in South Central or Beverly Hills
You're beginning to see that we're all alone and desperate
Searching for that person we can stare in the eyes and say,
"I'm just like you. You are a part of me. I want to **** you. I want you to be me.
I love you, I need you, and if you dare go, I will bleed myself blue."
I want to shed every wall, I want to quit hiding behind words
Let the arrows rain and shadows lift to confine me in this verse.
Oct 2013 · 538
nightmare made of you
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2013
Mostly kissing
Slam against walls
I try calling you so many times and you hang up
Then you're in my house
On my bed
I haven't seen you in years but you're real
So vivid, right here. I remember your face so well
I miss you.
I miss us.
It's true.

But I want you to be happy
Because I keep confirming to myself
That I just won't stop loving you

I hope one day I can be your anchor again.
Oct 2013 · 2.2k
mourning wood
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2013
I want to fix everything all the time
Maybe that's why I'm greying early.
Anxiety only feels good when I commit crimes
Ironically, because it's always there in me.
I think when I'm thirty I'll be bald
Alopecia will hit me by the time I'm twenty five
Can't breathe with palpitations, or so they're called
With these heart murmurs, I'm amazed I'm still alive.
Nostalgia makes me laugh and cry simultaneously
I know I take myself far too seriously
I'm tired of holding and losing things near and dear to me
Like acid drops and alcohol my blood's relatively
A relevancy and tell me, do I look infected to you?
I hide behind pastimes and impulsive rap lines
But nothing in the world could be farther from the truth
With smashed cats on road sides and fast forgotten rhymes, I
Wake up to Jim beam smiling over me
Cover leaves and evergreens childishly wind chime
I two-time everyone I meet to some subtle degree
And I've told my mom to die one too many times
But it's cool because without these angst phases
I'd have no words to express the connectable times
Which are the worst times, remember what I say
LSD and new Mexico make me want to fly away

Do I have a clue what I'm doing when I'm drinking at six thirty in the morning?

Today, around noon, I met true doom
On the train tracks of my Oklahoma culdesac
There was a dog split in four separate pieces
And though it was full of countless diseases
I thought Jesus, no one needs to see that
Considering the fabulous place we live at
So we picked up his leg and his two ******* torsos
And his head was twelve feet away from the track, more so
Rotten his teeth crushed, his spirit forgotten
Sought for life out of the fences he was brought in
Though we looked, no collar was around
So we put the poor ******* three feet underground
Brian cline built a cross (he was tossed)
And lost and crossed the best friend he fought
And I forgot for a minute the duties I hate
Because for once I did something that needed no reinstatement
Mourning wood does no good and frankly neither do I
Because when mom drinks she drives, and it puts suicide in my mind
But I got other options left to use
My throbbing ******* is sore, my bush blue and abused
Tattoo bleeding through, misconstrued my good graces
All these racists are faceless, playing miss Ohio's nameless
At full blast, backward, like present turned to past
If it were that simple, God knows maybe I'd last.

Do I have a clue what I'm doing
When I'm drinking at six thirty in the morning?

Bible belt majority, getting snotty and disorderly
Conformity torturing me, the owls hooting quarterly
In minutes, it's finished, let'***** it and stick it
This sickness is missing a home and I can't ****
Coffee in my *** is uncomfortable, but a necessity, like a
Suppository, strapped down the old man, the orderlies
Are ornery. I'm ***** but I'm tired of ***
Wishing I could love someone I've never really met
I can't rest at night with these relentless dreams
Waking me up with cold sweats and hoarse screams
My mind is reamed by the thought of Lucy in the mail
All the while hoping my friends keep themselves out of jail
I know this isn't hell, but I still feel like I'll fail
Chasing my own tail out of the fear that this isn't real
And don't tell me these restless moments are just deja vu
I know I saw all this coming when I was dazed in my youth
Swollen lymph nodes in my neck and in my back
Blowin smoke right back, who will be the first to act?
I'm tactless and laughless, and hapless, this mattress
Had lasted, in fact it's madness, this last kiss?
I've wracked it and cracked it with no decryption key
With all this frustration flying around, no one can hit me
But you scream all the way up the staircase
And I hope to the devil I never forget your face.
Wrote this a few years ago when living in Oklahoma. Thanks for the title miss Ohio's nameless to why?  And Josh "yoni" wolf
Sep 2013 · 950
glory whole
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2013
Saturday tastes like bitter tea
Stuck between atoms that cannot be seen
The mirror ripples and the motor bleeds
Wrap up in syran and lie in the streets
The business end is no place to stay
Water from the naval is the only grace
Drink it in and enjoy your night
Your touch is candle wax acid bite

Let me remind you that the company sings
They never stay quiet about the things we've seen
Don't look now but we're about to drown
These are the things I think when you go down

Make skin with my teeth and a hard blast beat
Summer lovin burnin hot rain in the road
Cigarette pinholes and a lump in my throat
We all float on water when we croak.
Choke on smoke, Columbian coke
Serrated knives at the end of a rope
The knots fall off, the calls all stop
And the needle in my neck is soaked

We see the stars on our ceiling
We see fireworks on the walls

The world makes noise when the sun retreats
To weep with the fishes while the movie repeats
They sleep in the fission circle glowing, we eat
The sick on my pin cushion, unfurl, flowing, recede
Be me and see the need to breathe the ivory creed
Planting the seed for the last of my blood
Feel the trees grow in your lungs and free
Yourself from superstitions of heaven and love

Let me remind you that the company sings
They won't keep quiet about things we've seen
Stars on the ceiling
Don't look now but we're all gonna drown
These are the things I think when you go down
Fireworks on the walls
Sep 2013 · 290
timeline
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2013
I have been one to eye a best friend
For reaching to the back of your neck
I did once want to **** a man
For looking at you dress
But I also wonder
Why did you let him watch?
I will no longer submit
To someone who treats me like this
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2013
When the devil comes knocking, you better get the door
He'll give you something beautiful you've never had before
You could blindly obey your country and lay awake inside
But you'll be sorry you didn't take a chance when you're facing your demise.
Thanks to Doug Stanhope for that title.
Sep 2013 · 7.2k
The Real McCoy (TL;DR)
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2013
School was always humuorous to a degree in my opinion because of the underlying idea
that the more damaged you were, the cooler you were in the eyes of the rest of the school.
I have heard numerous conversations that began with something along the lines of, "Oh, you
think YOU got it bad, well my dad blah blah and my best friend blah blah and my life is hell."

I decided to get a little personal and share with you guys something I have never actually
told anyone in entirety yet. I am pretty sure the whole story is still only here in my brain.
I will, out of respect for these people, change their names.

It's October 31, 2012. It's about noon, and all of us sixteen to twenty-two year olds are just waking up.
Brianne woke up probably a few hours ago already to tend to her son, Aaron. He is adorable, one
and a half, blond hair, blue eyes. I have been living here for nearly two months. I am supporting her,
Aaron, and myself with food stamps. I get two hundred dollars a month to basically smoke **** and drink
on the government's budget. Trust me, I'm not proud of it either, and if I could I would pay it back.
Since Brianne is a single mother and an adopted child, she has a single-digit monthly rent (I was *******
baffled to hear this) and receives support from her foster parents. Basically, if I want to stay here forever
with absolutely no consequences save to miss out on a life of my own, I can.

Brandon is putting on clown make-up so he can troll the streets as a juggalo. I find this amusing as I always
liked to mess around with ICP fans, but he's a really cool kid so I let it go and I even help him perfect it.
I notice he has a bottle of Stolichnaya in his backpack and it's practically full. That, to me, is temptation.
I ask if he would mind me taking a few drinks here and there from the bottle and he says it's fine, so I proceed
to get a nice one p.m. buzz. It was always my favorite drunk, very light, and airy, almost like you're still asleep.
Something bogs you down, but it doesn't bother you, somehow it makes you lighter.

For the rest of the day, we hook up with a few friends, go out and trick or treat in the pouring rain, get soaked
and wait for two hours under an overpass while Brianne goes and gets her car. From there, we proceed home.

At this point, everyone is over at Breanne's and we're all making dinner and drinking beer and having a good time
(Aaron is with the grandparents tonight). I guess I started getting angry about the recent events (for about a month,
everyone in our group with the exception of Brandon have been slowly losing items...but they're obviously being stolen.
At a point, a few of us did some research and determined the only person who could possibly have stolen
a good deal of these things has to be Brandon) and I decided I was tired of sitting on the news waiting for no one to make
a move after a solid two weeks of being certain that we had our guy. So I called him out... and proceeded
to begin burning bridges slowly and very surely for the next few days. I am pretty sure a fight would have broken out
if Bri hadn't taken me into her room to relax. When I finally do, it turns out I woke up the upstairs neighbor,
her baby, and everyone in the house has left save for my friend Jeff and his girlfriend Marissa. This concludes night one.

I later learned that Brandon was not actually the person who was stealing from us (unless of course
he just happened to not get caught when we found out who had done most of it) and I feel bad for bringing the whole
thing up because I would have liked to stay in touch with him. We got along swimmingly and he actually did have
a lot of interesting things to talk about. Smart, nice, hilarious... Well, maybe he'll turn up one day.

The next morning, I woke up to find the house empty save for Jeff and Marissa in the next room, but where I am,
it simply appears empty. I don't know what happened but I intuit that I have been sleeping all night without
my girlfriend. This upsets me and I begin to weep like a confused child, which is exactly what you do when you're
helpless and too drunk in the brain to figure out how to pull yourself out of a helpless situation (trust me,
I own the handbook). Marissa walks in and begins to explain to me that I had scared her too much and she slept
on the couch and that she had left to go pick up her son. So I realize I need to calm down, but I can feel
Jeff is not happy with me in the slightest, considering he will not come and talk to me (this is extremely painful
because he is probably one of the best friends I have ever had, with a mind that vastly exceeds that of everyone
I have met save one other, and he's a different story). They leave and I decide to stay in the house all day.

This is a very bad idea. I stay home, watch re-runs of a show I have seen billions of times, and considering
that Brandon and I are no longer on good terms, like a complete *******, I drink the rest of his *****.

In walks Bri, it's around 7. She's not happy. She proceeds to tell me that the night before I asked out a friend of mine
and she said yes. And I was a bit shocked because I couldn't remember it at first. Then it all hit me.

A few days before, Aaron called me "dad." Now remember, this is not my child. I am dark, dark, dark, and she had this kid
about two years after we had any past relationship. I am extremely worried in my mind and I realize I am headed toward nothing.
That I am stagnant and can not even afford to go back to school. This scares me, so I drunkenly asked out Tanya.

Tanya...we had been friends for about five years, and I had tried to get with her so many **** times... she was like
one of those girls you see and you're instantly reminded of an anime character. Tall, thin, beautiful hips, perfect
proportions, lovely hair, eyes, voice, and a personality I can liken to a Disney princess/black metal lumberjack.
The kind of girl who has a tough exterior, but inside, she just wants someone to tell her everything is going to be ok.

After about two hours of pleading with Bri to let me stay, I finally send Tanya a message, and we hang out for the next
two days, whence I whisper in her ear that everything is going to be okay and we proceed to have quite passionate ***
for those nights, where I discovered the secret to making a woman ****** with my tongue (tip: if the underside of your
tongue isn't completely torn apart, you're doing something wrong). But alas, I could not stay.

This is the part I dreaded, because I know I have to go back to Jeff's house and ask him if I can stay there for a while.
And I got the answer I expected.

The words he used...

"I'm *******...extremely ******* at you, and disappointed." It was like a father saying it to you. And him and I
have a very interesting friendship built on such an extreme understanding that I knew exactly how badly I had been spiraling.
I began to leave and he gave me a slice of pizza, with that slight smile that told me "just go find yourself, we'll be fine."

I hobbled off into the night drunk, with one piece of pizza and all my food at Bri's, which could have lasted me another few days,
easing the transition into homeless. And it could have prevented a horrible occurance that took place the following afternoon. I
was crying, because I knew I was dying, but I didn't want to ask either of my parents for help, because this was the first time
I was out on my own and I was far too proud to give up and let the world make me its victim. So I walked...

Sixteen ******* miles...

To the next town. Took me all night because I was dodging traffic, easing into trees, avoiding on and off ramps, trying to stay
away from any police that may exist on the road. When I finally arrived in the next town (where I knew I may have one contact)
I decided to sleep until the morning came so I could have the energy to find my next venture.

It was five thirty am. I had 3 hours until sun-up, I had just walked enough to be burning, and there was plenty of whiskey in my veins.
I had left my sleeping bag with Tanya hours earlier, wishing in the park that I had not been so naiive as to think I would be allowed
back in the house. So I pulled out a pile of ***** clothes and put them over me like blankets, in some random corner of the local
park, under some bushes, hidden from cold and sight, with great hope...

Fifteen minutes pass. My eyes shoot open. I am freezing. The sweat has dried and frozen to my body. This is hell.

I grab my things and with the worst effort I can ever remember myself mustering, I drag myself to the toilet.
When I open it, the first thing I check for is cleanliness. It's spotless. I am so relieved. I sit in the corner of the room,
which my knees to my chest, head in my hands, wrapped in a leather jacket I had gotten from Jeff (ha, he really is my
guardian angel, though he would laugh to hear it).

I catch winks, occasionally looking up to check if the sun is rising. When it finally is, I get up, change my clothes (I had
ONE clean set of clothing and it had been rotting with the rest in the backpack) and immediately head to a thrift store where
a family friend is working.

On my way there, I notice in a little parking lot near the store a sight I had never actually come across but I always thought
would be the most amazing luck, and it was timed in such a spot in my life that it was the ultimate miracle...and a curse in
disguise.

In front of my eyes (this miracle appeared in my path as I was walking looking down, so it startled me) was the worst possible thing
for me: A half finished fifth of Smirnoff, and a half smoked pack of Marlboro 100 Reds. I open the pack and sure enough, the celophane
protected every cigarette inside from any water damage. I am ecstatic. This is not only amazing, but highly unlikely.

So I down the bottle in one go and take the rest of the smokes with me.

When I arrive at the thrift shop, it turns out I am there on a day when my potential savior is not working, so I get her number from the clerk
and head over to a payphone and realize... I have no money. So I decide to go on a quest for dropped pocket change.

Before I even leave the parking lot, I see a young man, no older than 23, sitting on a nice red classic-style Corvette and he's
reading William S. Burroughs. So naturally, I decide to strike up a conversation with the young man. Turns out he's the nicest guy
and his name is Jordan. So him and I got together and decided to go out for a game of disc golf (some may not know what this is;
Imagine frisbee but with a golf theme, so you need to get from a tee pad into a basket. Really fun, centering, and extremely popular
with potheads, Californians, beer-drinkers, and hippies) and before we go, he asks if I would like to snag a few beers first.

I tell him a piece of my story and he can tell I am down on my luck and broke so he decides to help me out. He buys us both some beer
and we proceed to disk.

Turns out he's an ex-****** and has been through quite a bit of hell himself, so we find that we're in a good position to help each
other make some better decisions in life. After the game, we go over to a payphone and he gives me money to call my friend.

Buzz (this the only name I am not changing because her name is ******* badass) answers the phone and unfortunately informs me that
though she would take me in any day of the year, she just moved in to a house with one older lady she takes care of, and its a single
bedroom apartment, so there is just no way it can work.

So I go back to his car and tell him the news, and he says he thinks he may be able to put me up for a few days until I can sort
everything out. We go back out to the store and grab ourselves a fifth of *****.

We end up in the park playing music, talking, performing standup for one another, and I begin to realize I am drinking too fast,
so I try to ease back a little. He was playing a version of a Radiohead song I had never heard before

"Everyone this way. Okay, get your hands against the wall. Spread your legs. Don't move."
The doors clanking, some ******* won't shut up in the next cell over.
More slamming of doors, someone rubbing my body all over trying to find my knives, no doubt.
And my AK 47 I conceal, and my ****, and my ... oh ****, I really did have **** on me.

"Move forward. Turn around. Alright, go to bed."

----------------------------------------------------------­---------------------

"Get up. Come on, slowly... There you go. There's a few more coming in so we got to get you to another cell."

Clank, clank...

"Pick a bed."

----------------------------------------------------------­---------------------

Something is wrong. This bed is not covered. There is no comfort. It's just a mat. And I have no pillow. This is not a house
of any sort, my bag isnt what I am sleeping on. Something is very wrong here.

I am in jail. Oh of course.

I know the answer before I hear it, but I ask anyway: "What are my charges, ma'am?"

"Drunk in public."

-------------------------------------------------------­------------------------

I'm about thirty miles or so North of inner Seattle. Not a bad place to be. I'm working for a Safeway. It's somewhere around
the first of June. I receive word that Bri has been on ******. And I may have left at a crucial time in her life thinking
only of myself, but I needed to go somewhere I could be productive. Yet my decision left her in a position where she turned
to hard drugs...

I can't help but feel I am to blame. I am listening to the dull, stupid words of my ex boss, Rod, who is telling me
that even though I may feel like I need to help her, there is nothing I can do for her, so I should bury myself in my work
instead. He tells me this in about six hundred different ways before I leave the room after twenty minutes. Well great.
I may have no focus here at work today, but at least I killed almost a half hour of the day just listening to someone
*******.

I am at a loss of what to do here, but I eventually get a hold of her, and after a long time not talking, we come to
somewhat of a closure, and she is beginning to sober up herself. I realize we were both in incredibly hard times, and I still
wish with all my heart there could have been some way I could have helped her raise that boy and stayed and been her
love, and at the same time, still go to college, and progress and get a good job...but I was in a small Northern California
town. There was nothing left, all the old shops were out of business. It was time for me to move on then, and we have
all seen better days for it. She looks incredible these days by the way. She lost an insane amount of weight, and I know
a lot of it had to do with the drugs, but if she truly is sober like she says she is, she'll be getting much better.

A few weeks ago 3 people I used to know and hang out with died in the span of a week. It was a terrible tragedy, and I have been
thinking back on all the names of people I used to love very, very much before they got lost in some way.

There's Lorne Holly, who killed himself after a few weeks of detoxing from crank.

Layla Harmon, who died in a car crash, blunt head trauma, with a drunk driver (I have a tattoo for this, I will never drive drunk).

Heavy Eagle, who killed himself after years of drug problems.

Chaz Lipman, who died in a car crash as well.

Ren Rain, who I am still not sure about...

And of course, Tray Beraldi, who was my closest friend's cousin... I wish I were there to mourne with him...

Last night I got a text from my best friend, who said he couldn't sleep and he barely eats anything anymore, and he feels like his throat
is going to explode, and he cant swallow and his neck is killing him constantly. He has been this way for a year, and he is talking constantly
about getting a gun and blowing his head off. And no one believes him because he constantly talks about it because he is in so much pain.
No doctor can diagnose him so far, he has no idea what's wrong with him, he's been tested all over the place, he has no hope, he's barely
cligning and he doesn't know how much longer he can hold on.

All I really want to say is

Lord? What I have done? I don't pray, I never pray, I don't even know who I would pray to. But WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO?!

I bring myself across hell and I pull myself from the worst depression I h
This is autobiographical...so be prepared for somewhat of a story.
Sep 2013 · 923
eye candy, heart cavities
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2013
Everyone near me
Has got someone
I keep forgetting
To find mine
They don't hear me
I think I'm done
Trying to polish out
That Disney shine
Aug 2013 · 936
crusade
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2013
Directing the populace to march through cities and suburbs
Rifles held in militant fashion, all are one
Dictate the reformation and find solace in those who are still here
Leverage made by battles won, solitude to those who are all gone

Eaten by the moths in sand, my clothing is stripped into bands
Crazy not to walk away when my friends disintegrate in my hands
When your leg flies through the air and hits me knocking me away
Looking into the sunset and pondering if it's real or the fray

Sober is not acceptable here, crack the bottle into the lake
Swim under the radar and love in flying bullet parades
My gathering for a new world, will wait patiently out in the rain
While the ruler converts all their wives and drowns away your sorrows in its veins

Genius, pure and swift. Powers are unconfirmed regrets
Should I have let you win when you begged for the apex, the crest
Stupid and young all are, escaping from the facility's sweet arms
Simple and refined we will accept you into our swarm

Remember the cars are gone, the money gone, religion gone
Remember all is mine, all is yours, all is ours
Remember ownership and government is dead
Remember all of your worries are in your head
Aug 2013 · 714
tree top
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2013
put off on the sweat
There's something nauseous in my ****
United in the vertices and acid
The axis lamenting and venting
Sitting us out, putting it's mouth
Over you, over me and sorting
Tongue slide around move the mind without
Youthful thoughtful private number one

Exhumed adoption and children listless
Why don't you just give it to me?
I'm tired of gliding in this outlook
Let's ****, let's scream our pain out

Bees in needles and nails deflated
You flatten in your pool of stick
You shine in your muffled movements
This is a temple for the primal language
Words annoyed many moons before me
Howl under the eclipse dissolve me within
The translucency of the way we are
I feel it radiate
I can see her crawl
Away catlike in night
Try to spoil this moment
Let me feed you me

Forget hunger and dreams
Let's lose our minds in ecstasy
I'll never return
I'll never call you again.
Aug 2013 · 925
I confess to misanthropy
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2013
Let's do the math, I pay rent to my dad, gave him every cent I had but not without hoarding a ten for a six pack. I got little class and generally tend to disagree with anyone who utters something asinine near me. Clearly I have some issues with not speaking, watching a blue bird struggle against a telephone wire still squeaking, and peaking, I'm in forest eyes leaking, it's intriguing to me how I can't stop freaking out.

So what? So what? I'm stuck in a rut
Spinning my wheels, coveting *****
That lay around at the beach, not giving a flying ****
So what? So what? Am I broken or breaking, I can't stop shaking but my redemption's in the making, yup.

Slow strut and smash, I'm hovering at the end of my cash, can't find the hidden stash in the back of my bus, feeding cats that tear each other up in my shop, trying to fight the urge to lie down but I can't stop making a fool of myself in good health in hopes that I can finally escape the bible belt, but it seems no matter what kind of life you live, that kinda **** never melts away.

So what? So what? I'm stuck in a rut
Spinning my wheels, coveting *****
That lay around at the beach, not giving a flying ****
So what? So what? Am I broken or breaking, I can't stop shaking but my redemption's in the making, yup

Slip back hard smack to the veins or the ***, no cash so hopefully she digs my eyes and mustache, how crass. Maybe if I pay the right song I'll write the wrong and she'll be back in my bed before long. I need to stop spending time with people better than me, people who can tolerate ******* and pleasantries, because trust me, unless I'm on ecstasy, everything just ends up sounding like half speech to me. Society has always been hard, I'm only starting to pick the world apart, because I'm finally old enough to know I'm deeply alone, but if anyone asks, I feel like I'm right in my zone. I'm home.

So what? So what? I'm stuck in a rut
Spinning my wheels, coveting *****
That lay around at the beach, not giving a flying ****
So what? So what? Am I broken or breaking, I can't stop shaking but my redemption's in the making, yup

I guess it's gonna be better when I'm inside
I guess it's sort of a miracle that I'm alive
I feel a lot better knowing I have a bed
So why do I still feel I'm better off dead?
Aug 2013 · 1.5k
Emma
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2013
Still thinking of you, I tipped the bottle back until my eyes became black like the soulless stare of a grizzly bear. It's such a shame when you know you're going to ruin your day, but you just keep on chugging away. I had the stones in my hands, trying to skip, but I could not stand even for a small hobby. Women nearby took interest, wanting my small frame as trophy for their wall. And in the end, they were beautiful, but they couldn't answer to your call. You're a tough act to follow, old love. Now I've noticed you haven't missed me. I notice you severed all ties. That's truly the worst pain. I miss your voice, your smile, I can still hear you laugh... and cry. You keep trying to tell me that I don't love you anymore, that I can't possibly feel that for you, because I no longer know you. The truth is I know you better than I should. I know you like to convince yourself that everything's alright and that the loneliness doesn't hurt. I know you think this way because we think just the same. I try and tell myself I hate you now, our friends say they don't understand why we were in the first place. I know why. Because I could break you when you needed to be broken, I could keep you awake and put you to sleep. I could read your God ****** mind and you know it's true. Nowadays, I just want something to do with you. You realize how hard it is to find friends when you're someone like me? No one seems to care much for the things I think. Only you understood. Now I just want the luxury of speaking to you because you're the best friend I ever had. I still remember when you pulled a cigarette out of my mouth and broke it in half and smashed it against a wall and made me watch you throw it over the balcony into the fresh December snow. I remember your first acid trip. I sometimes lock myself in dreams because I know you'll hate me when I wake up. I stay asleep just to talk to you, cuddle you. Sometimes I stay asleep so I can feel you yelling at me, because even that is better than how you have chosen to ignore me. I wake up wishing for the day when I woke up and you were still holding on to me. I remember that moment because I loved simply being held by you. I remember sneaking kisses under the covers as if no one would see us, not caring who did. I remember ******* off my sister until she'd bang on the wall and we would just laugh, you on top of me. I remember visiting the cemetery for ***. I remember my eighteenth birthday, when you gifted me with a third party then got jealous and went home crying. And hindsight is 20/20 because if I knew what I know I would have been more focused on keeping you than I was on having ***. I remember our unbelievable compatibility in bed. I remember when you put your hand on my cheek, when you asked if you could kiss me, when you invited me to meet your family then finally let me date you. I remember all the time we spent fighting, or that you spent telling me I was useless because I couldn't afford to make decisions. I remember you screaming at me in your car because I didn't care what we ate for dinner ******* it as long as I ate it with you. I remember jumping out of your car. I remember laying awake at night, taking to you on the phone while you withered away in rehab. I remember talking to you until we slept because we were both so alone. I remember all this and I'm sure you do as well, so why can't we just talk and be friends again? I only want to speak to someone with a very real desire. Someone with hope. Someone with a mind.

I'm sorry Emma. But I think my love for you is the only real feeling I have left.
Aug 2013 · 461
blurb
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2013
Serrate your eyes with a saw tooth wave
Beads of sweat do not a woman make
Tie me to the swirling clouds
Watch it rain my pieces down

I'd love to see you in a beehive
Dying to breathe in a new light
The sky's the limit and I've got a minute
To drain myself into the infinite
Jul 2013 · 1.4k
broke
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
Coagulation in the limbic system
The pineal gland commence emission
Insemination within the vision
Clouded by foreign dubbed derision
Fray the edges, fringe incision
Behold the schism, parabolic business
Subtitles for the learning minions
And it is booming like v twin pistons

Streamline slithering tunnel vision
Between the rock and hard resistance
Living the lie, we're deathly hidden
Not just fire but the end decision
Resulting is the pouring human
A sudden break elastic intrusion
The hour spawned upon confusion
Forever running through illusion
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
I have felt pain.
Therefore I can assume to know everything about anyone's situations.
I am alone.
I don't recognize cliches.

A good poem is a statement that no one had heard but everyone has felt. Not the other way around.
Jul 2013 · 939
thousands of pages
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
The late hours fluorescent light flicker
From the moon to the neon red lights
The scars of our fathers written on our thighs
Scared to be seen in the imminent daylight
Freelance extortionists and racketeering blacklist
Black market, black cats, capitalizing on rats
The rat race is being run by yuppies in ties
With lies and cries of spies in in the skies

Confusing their faces with ones that I like
Indecisive for lack of a vice at the peak
I scrape together letters from the people I fight
Where notes are written about the upcoming week
The world's on fire and I hold it trembling
My fingers are burning and my shoulders broken
I buckle but seconds before I go down
The world breaks open upon the cold ground
Jul 2013 · 2.7k
Chromosome
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
Shannon, Mariah, Serena, Maria
Meridia, Midian, Sharon, Alliah
Rochelle, Camille, Rose, Halo
Trenna, Jessica, Ashley, Georgia
Marla, Olivia, Sofia, India
Daniella, Diana, Christina, Caroline
Isabella, Amelia, Amanda, Matilda
Nadine, Haley, Bailey, Francine
Eliza, Annabelle, Kathryn, Sandra
Melinda, Audrey, Aubrey, Emily
Tara, Emma, Ginny, Kathleen
Josephine, Helena, Charlotte, Laura
Chelsea, Arkady, Megan, Kelsey
Kayla, Karliah, Moana, Vivien
Kaysea, Macy, Stacy, Lorraine
Theresa, Felicia, Cecilia, Darlene
Holly, Brianna, Alexa, Ariel
Marianne, Miranda, Jennie, Coral
Korra, Daisy, Penelope, Rayne
Zoey, Cassandra, Grace, Stephanie
Female names are beautiful. Poetry on their own.
Jul 2013 · 616
blacks
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
I am afraid to **** the man who robs me of my entire well being.
Let us all force each other to make change.
You'll tolerate everyone on earth or else.

Sell my house. But only to a criminal

After all, I need federal funding.

Mandating is always wrong.

Challenge me.

Discipline these ******* kids.

Am I wrong or are you ******* ignorant?

Stop worshipping criminals. Stop glorifying hedonism. Change your culture. I don't care if you're *******. Challenge me.
Jul 2013 · 1.3k
recovering Sophia
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
Glass bent is money well spent
Shudders like picture framed mirrors
I'm teething again and I don't understand
The expense I put into fear
Someone wrote me letters
But with no address for the sender
The pile up in my blender
I'm trying not to upset her

Breathe out
The smoke says stay inside today but I wanna run away
I feel the pressure lowering, these times are grueling
Breathe out
I called for a quill and ink, you brought me a wrist
I relive the moments when I gave time to think
Breathe out

Today was the wrong day to fall in love
When push comes to shove
I've left you pieces of me
Follow the tissue flakes
Skin like the desert floor
All chapped and twisted
I'm on a mission
Infinite collision
I want your hair to fall out
I'll build the shrine
This night is mine
Rewind

Breathe out
Sit here until I graft with the trees, she's everything to me
Too many times we left behind, for a ****** drive
Breathe out
You'll listen closely to me, we're one in three
We belong in each other's arms, ******* and breath
Breathe out
Jul 2013 · 556
shrug from outside
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
Sources of inspiration
Dead for years before me
Whispering into her ear
The wind is talking to your hair
Control the tempo like the jaw string
Scraping up against the wall
Bend the eardrums to the crypt
Cruise control on the wild people

I see the cycles
It's all inevitable
I see the cycles
It's on the wall
I see the cycles
All encompassing
I see the cycles
They'll be our pitfall our downfall

Glory moving like an anthill
Wall of wetness upon entry
Can't see out but for a second
Can't make way to the back wall
This transmission is corrupting
Stop the noise and eat the wolf
Chewing on your own teeth
Swallowing the lip ring

Cycling, cycling, cycling. Cycling
Cycling cycling cycling cycling
Cycling cycling cycling cycling
Cycling cycling cycling cycling
You think it's better than?
Jun 2013 · 660
Billy May
Ryan Bowdish Jun 2013
The magnificent stifling of a beating heart,
Supported by the cobwebs of regret and second-guessing,
Can be explained in the song of her drowning irises,
The streams of stellar jays and icicles gleaming.

A moment of weakness is sacred and cathartic,
For minds wander between truth and self-doubt
The pieces of you being put back together
Are letting the rays of your honesty out.

The best days of my lonely nocturnal ways
Were complemented by your steady rays
And though fear has consumed your future in waves
The rose-pedals and ashes are one and the same.

So let yourself lonely this dark summer's night,
Knowing you're only a full day away.
I may be craving to make you the master,
But you'll be the highlight of my day.
Jun 2013 · 901
The Picture Show
Ryan Bowdish Jun 2013
The streams have set themselves
We watch the sky close down for business
I stressed to you clearly my anxious tendencies
And you still trembled beneath me, acting empty!
You stroke your hair like you have nothing else to hold on to
When my clothes lay openly by your door
And I hold the stub of a cigarette tightly looking for a reason to let you back in bed
After the heavy drinking
I want to hide the stories of my past somewhere where I don't sleep
I want you to just remember how close we used to be
Before you lost my loyalty and I lost your respect

Some part of my frame of being has me still pouring a lot of desire into you
I hold on to my lucidity in dreaming to have my time with you
When you won't even answer me when I simply ask you how you've been
I knowingly continue just loving you in my dreams, knowing that if I wake up you'll be back to hating me
After all the growing I have done, I can't drown out those stupid words and wishes
You'll never be the person I met when I was years lonelier and angrier and crazier
I can never make it up to you, I don't intend to see you as a friend
I tend to see you as the person who was the end of me
I have shed skins over months and nails and hair follicles have followed me down roads
That I stumbled drunkenly with my empty bottle of *****
From Nevada City to Penn Valley, alive finally, openly screaming for the world
To come take me for the last ride, hoping for the car to hit me
Discovering a pack of cigarettes left in a parking lot, covered and unspoiled by rain water

You see I could never ask for a curse because the point was to get a blessing in disguise
I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know it wasn't headlights
I needed this anger and this pain, I needed to hurt you, to change you, to help you grow
It was so I was out of there, you split me open so I could pick up the pieces
And though I will probably never even get that cup of coffee you sort-of half-way didn't really offer,
I still miss you. So I'll just pick up the glass and keep mending the mirror
Because I'll never mend the fences with you
And that's fine, my reflection is enough for me, the reflection of you that you saw in me...
It's my subconscious vision of who you still are to me.
The love I can see in my hellish, haunting, harrowing, narrowing, beautiful sunbathing with you nightmares
Apr 2013 · 1.3k
Chi Cheng
Ryan Bowdish Apr 2013
The sound of the peace (Om)
The wind in the leaves (Home)
Your eyes opened just enough
To see the world shine

To exit in your dreams
To forget your worries
And be immortalized in memory
By the ones who cry

Your soul is recycled into the wheel
And soon someone will take your name
Drinking in your blessed vibes
We open the stars to your face

No more movies or t.v.
No more taxes or sickness
No more crying or bleeding
No more sadness or giving up

Your hands grab the rail again
Speaking with your eyes
My tears have a place in them
You'll no longer need light.

Your soul is recycled into the wheel
And soon someone will take your name
Drinking in your blessed vibes
We open the stars to your face
And now that you're done
Your song will be engraved
Into the hearts of all of us
Who sang.
Rest In Peace to one of my favorite musicians in the world. <3
Mar 2013 · 767
The Story Thus Far...
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2013
I'm clinging constantly to consciousness
For some reason tonight it seems like I can't
Seem to shake that feeling like
The world is all falling apart
While I am wasting away my life
Seconds thundering in my mind
Like droplets from a broken pipe
The roof caves in from water damage...

All I do these days is work, does that sound about right?
Am I hitting a little too close to home here for those of us who can't sleep at night?
I stress until my tears are shed until my eyes are bled until my lungs are dead
People around us are turning to thieves day after day, taking countries by storm
Hopping trains, eight-week vacations, nine hundred thousand dollar sensations!
It's aching, it's agonizingly tiring and ironic because my mind is still screaming
Full speed ahead, she said, the book read, but I still fell sore into my cold bed
Because I can't convince myself to stop caring, but I just can't summon what it takes to be angry anymore.

As our founding fathers said before us,
"Nothing's gonna change my world."
Mar 2013 · 398
Declining Review
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2013
Our world has changed quickly
We used to write each other letters.
Now we just like stuff.
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2013
I'd love to take you apart, pull your string
Watch the ivy grow at the seam, watch the bubbles
While I hold you down underneath
Let warm water run over our cold bodies.

Run along, now, you're no longer needed here (Maybe someday soon)
Splitting the wishbone, guess who got the bigger half? (There's no room)
How does the solder taste when you go down? (Always new)
I always knew you would need to come back again (I always knew)

See how the roses fold into the sheets
Just like a ******* hole in your sleep
You got nothing to worry about
When everything is simplified, no one will walk out.

You got no right!
You got no right to
You got no right!
You got no right to me.
You got no right! (Infinite)
You got no right to (Misery)
You got no right! (Imminent)
You got no right to me! (Ecstasy)
You got no right! (Infinite) [Calculations melting quickly, time dilation, seconds stretching]
You got no right to (Misery) [Minds colliding, bodies soaking, atoms bonding, seconds stretching]
You got no right! (Imminent) [Always what we never wanted, never who we always needed]
You got no right to me! (Ecstasy) [Saturation of our nature, stars our shining in our language]

I'm done.
I'm going back home now.
Leave me alone.
I'm going back home now.
I'm going back home.
Feb 2013 · 1.2k
Puddle
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2013
I live for
Those moments between a shower and sleep
Where your body aches with comfort
Tingles in numb ecstasy,
With a stomach full of hot tea
And muscles unraveled like toiletries
Backbone faltering slowly
Eyelids weighted without desire
Without wishes, guilt, regrets
I live for these nights
Where I've been satisfied by the day
And all I want is sleep.

I once asked my mother and father
If there was a way to never wake up.
Not that I wanted to die...
I just want to stay asleep.
Feb 2013 · 624
Narcoleptic
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2013
Sleep brings no rest:
When one dreams only
In lucidity,
It turns reality
Into unimaginable chaos.
Feb 2013 · 1.4k
Budding
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2013
Our hands our calloused.
Raised old too young,
Too much, too fast to function.
Beliefs and needs
Underestimated in light
Of the weight of life.

Unenlightened self-importance
Breeds nuisance for intelligence
Struggles are active and bound
Revised, undeniable, retractable,
Forming, foaming at the mouth
We flow truth into new strife.

For those who can see through the plastic,
We made it out alive, with luck.
I try not to think of those days when
Dripping, pouring, outward noises
Made me their benefactor in shaking off
The incandescent light from garages long since passed.

I remind myself to shower, once more
This time, with every small drag I smell Propane...
Like leaves carnivaled in a spiral moth,
But it's just the smoke from my cigarette...
So maybe it is Propane...
I find this world to be quite amusing.

My body is a temple for the act of living once.
I am not concerned with long life, I'm mortal.
Experience all and see all, and thereby
Learn the meaning behind the words
That are written in peoples' eyes
So you can be trusted, too.

As long as you can trust yourself,
You'll see the colors realign
Unlike the mother who spoke before me
I will be the father this time
Swerving, slurring, shivering.
Can you hear me? Are you reading this?

**** not away those shreds of extra skin
Always remember how cold it is for me.
Try to conceive of a place for you and I
I will be sure to be asleep when the clouds
Erupt into showers of our pure enjoyment...

I invite you, too.
Feb 2013 · 1.4k
Monte Cristo
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2013
I figured something out today.
The majority of the people I serve are completely braindead.
It makes me so angry.
Some of them tap their glasses, in such a way to make me hear in my mind,
"Oh yeah more water over here, would you?"
And I sit there and realize
I am a machine to them. A cashier. I make change.

I hate half of my coworkers. I hate to sound like a total ****, but its true.
One of the guys in the kitchen is just an *******. He barks orders, doesnt say please or thank you,
You know, all that standard crap that I have come to expect
Considering I have been raised to be the NICEST PERSON outwardly...

[It was around 13 when my inwardly was born and raised.
That age when all I did when listened to Sisters of Mercy and Korn
And wore leather gloves all over the place (fingerless, of course)
And cited goth poetry and Edgar Allen Poe in English class...

Hey... got the best speech/writing grades...

Women finally realized I existed.
I no longer cared for women.
Friends flocked.
I no longer needed friends.
People stopped trying to stab me.
I no longer cared.

The horrendous, hilarious, horrifying truth to what I felt those times
Was that I finally had acceptance when I no longer wanted it.
Oh, the irony (Coincidence, probably... Not by definition, just by realism... it was a coincidence that happened to be RIDICULOUSLY ironic)]

The other guy back there is a complete and utter clique-artist.
In every. Sense. His backwards *** hat, the jewelry sparkling,
His "homie" attitude...all that ****.
Now I don't care where he was raised, it's just that this guy
Gets all these beautiful, nice, seemingly very sweet women swooning on him.
And I sit here, polite, making light jokes and flirtation, and I guess maybe I am no longer attractive to women, because I get nothing. Even when I all out ask for a date. Excuses, excuses.

This may sound like me whining, but I am just trying to be honest about how I feel about these people.

Nowadays I find myself with my mouth shut constantly.
Making jokes no one gets... Am I high brow or low?
I don't get it, girls want this guy in the kitchen, they swoon and blush over the *******,
It's all rude comments and no manners, a lot of angry people, shouting, shooshing,

I just feel like this could be done a better way.
Look, call me crazy, and to all my readers,
I'm sorry, this is a very different kind of writing that I get into sometimes, but...

I think I may be one of the very few intelligent people of the world.
I think poets and musicians are many of the few. And I mean real musicians, not bands like
(and I will name them all just for fun, let them sue me if this eventually gets published)
Hinder, Shinedown, Nickelback, Creed, Nikci Minaj, Seether, Limp Bizkit, oh I would go on, but the list...
It extends beyond ME.

So.... We are all of a very select and important group.

And I think we all need to realize that we can team up to make the world a better place...for at least the next generation to come.
Somehow...
Even if we don't fix what is happening all around us constantly...
Let's bring the greatest art to the greatest and most deserved generation.

I love my life, and I love you people...
I just wish I didn't feel so down...

But hopefully I will fall in love, too. We'll see.
Feb 2013 · 752
The Fates Drive Me To Sleep
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2013
Stay over me
I feel you on the water
You converge with my faces
We have no space between

Work your way over my chestplate
Earn me with your stressed delay
Trust me when I keep you safe
I hold you here and dear when you're awake

Leave me to rest
Then you come back along to sing
With my body, you make the world scream
And I rewrite myself in you

So don't use me with the limelight
Like everyone has found in hindsight
I don't need another blindside
I need reanimating twilight

(starlight) to be aligned with you
(streetlights) to be aligned with you
(lifelines) to die inside with you
(hold on) to grow side by side with you

Who will be the one to claim me?
Who will be the one to slay me?
Will the music that I make end up making me?
When will there be lucidity for me?
Feb 2013 · 1.1k
Vacuum Cleaner
Ryan Bowdish Feb 2013
It was never enough
It was never enough
It was never enough
For them!
Crying into your couch
Laughing into your hands
Telling me all the time
You're sorry!
I don't care anymore
I don't want anymore
I don't need anymore
From them!
You're just looking at me
Always staring at me
I don't need to judge you
Anymore!

Let's talk for a second, well are you alright?
You've been trying to speak for a fortnight
You've been laughing yourself into a coma
You're dead on your feet, you can taste aroma

Quit lying to me
Stop screaming at me
Quit lying to me
You're gone!
I'm gonna go get my gun
I'm gonna go get my gun
I'm on my way to my gun
So get out!
There is no reason for this
There is no reason for me
All I came was to give you
A show!
I'm already out the door
I'm heading out the door
Don't bother crying anymore
Just go!

Let's talk for a second, well are you alright?
You've been screaming my name for half of tonight
I can't keep listening to you go on
Go make a new world for you to live on
This is about when I used to sell vacuums door to door. One man had a psychotic breakdown and began to cry and laugh intermittently into his couch and pleading me not to leave. Then he suddenly snapped and decided to go get his gun, so I had to leave immediately.
Jan 2013 · 575
Absolute.
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
Since we've been a thing working
In a field left lying
Under a sun we have yet to see
In the fog of the symmetry
I have known nothing of me
And you have seen nowhere of you
So why do we play?
When do we do?

Let's just remain
In a permanent state
Let's just complain
We'll just procrastinate
Each other.

Each other
We leave it in a memory
So let it be sweeter than us
Let it replace.

I have been in a restless place
Where I wished to be alone and free
But you came to me and you helped me see
That I was just too young to
Hate the world around

I wish to be with them
The world that screams
For another enlightening
Outside of them.

Let me see your face in sand
Default
Go to the ocean and
Drink in

This is just another phase
That I leave in place of my own truth
But I know that my soul will live past this dream
This is nothing but a blink in the true scale

Though you and I will fade
I don't need to be sad
Because we will meet
In the one large soul
That is God and energy.
Jan 2013 · 833
Laid
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
When I started up, I had no arms
When I woke up, my thoughts had formed
I tried to sleep, but whispers were bold
I tried to sing, but my lips were cold

Levers pulled and starter guns
Fired
Severed from the earth and
Retired

Though I was young, you said I was smart
Irony stung, for fool is my art
I try to **** your dreams in my words
I try to fake a burn in your fur

Never scream and never try
To laugh
I only see you when you split
In half
Levers pulled and starter guns
Fired
Severed from the earth and
Retired

Scream for me, would you please just
Inscribe my tombstone for me?
Like stories of your fetus
You lay your eyes upon me
My chest splits open and my
Legs come back to me slowly
I see you from the inside
And you compress my body
Lay me!

Lay me!
Lay me!
Lay me!
Jan 2013 · 664
Laughter.
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
I don't feel like writing today
So I won't.
Jan 2013 · 554
Shall
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
Last call
Last chance
No Guiness
No Pabst

Let's take a walk down Ballard
The barlights glisten within you
Your cheeks glow in streetlights

I knew you'd love this.
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