do you ever feel horribly misplaced..?
or unsettled..?
like you don’t belong here
but not “here” as in location..
but “here” as in breathing/living..?

I shouldn’t have been born tbh.
I used to wish I was dead.
but now I just wish I had never existed in the first place.

growing up my parents always
told me that I was a “surprise”
but as I grew up I learned that “surprise” actually meant “mistake”

they weren’t planning on another kid.

but my mom forgot to take her birth control one day and then oops..
I came 9 months later.

me and my brother are only 16 months apart.
my mom had four kids in five years by the time she was 25.

she was young
she was tired.
and I can’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so tired, from the three kids.. that she wouldn’t have left her birth control pill untaken that day.
and then maybe, just maybe..
I wouldn’t be mistaken as a surprise
when I was obviously a letdown.
I just wouldn’t exist at all.