It's like...
waking up, terrified in the middle
of the night just to reach for your hip
because you need to know that the bone
is still standing up tall under your skin

It's like...
wrapping your thumb & pointer finger
tight around your wrist in the middle of
a shift just to make sure it's still narrow
enough to fit

It's like...
tapping on your rib cage
or pulling at your thighs

It's like...
buying rings too small for your fingers
because you know they're getting thinner

It's so much more than puking in the shower
It's so much more than the days without food

It's feeling like a survivor for killing yourself
It's this sense of inner pride for hurting your body
It's disordered thinking and self induced migraines
It's crying & smiling for all the wrong reasons
It's forgetting how to love
It's the deepest form of loathing
It's guilt
It's obsession
It's destruction
And it will be the death of me
But hey, at least I'll die skinny