i could tell you
for hours on end
how much i loathe myself
how every time i breathe
life feels like a disgusting virus
burrowing inside me
i could tell you about the days that i starved myself
hoping it would end me
i could tell you about the frightening speed
at which i can tie a noose
and you would never understand that i want to live

i cold tell you about my past
my real past
not california
but nine years of being beaten and neglected
then jumped around foster care
finally, finally getting a home
but you know how that is
and you would never understand that i need them

i know that i hurt you
i know you never felt like you should have
i know i never made you happy
i know i "got into your head" whatever that means
you know all of these things too
but you will never understand how much it hurt me

not you
you did nothing but try to save yourself
i hurt myself
its the only thing i'm good at
and i'm sorry you got hurt in the process.