Mar 2020
You don't want to hear how he put a gun up against my head because there are no magic words to take away a memory that demeaning.
Or how he blacked out and didn't remember screaming at me for putting my pants back on.
How defending myself got me trapped between two walls with no way out.
No, you don't want to picture his hand around my neck and the fear that filled my eyes.
You're right. Let's not bring it up, I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
Or how he blacked out and didn't remember screaming at me for putting my pants back on.
How defending myself got me trapped between two walls with no way out.
No, you don't want to picture his hand around my neck and the fear that filled my eyes.
You're right. Let's not bring it up, I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
I never needed magic words. I needed you to hold me when I was falling apart. That's how you silence the hurt, even for just a moment.
... This was written with hesitation, not spite. My confidence is hindered and there is no hiding that. I fear letting a new love in because how am I supposed to let my guard down. How is a new man supposed to love me, given my past. What am I supposed to tell him in a moment of intimacy when I start to cry for no reason but the hauntings of my own memory? I am damaged, no one wants that.
... This was written with hesitation, not spite. My confidence is hindered and there is no hiding that. I fear letting a new love in because how am I supposed to let my guard down. How is a new man supposed to love me, given my past. What am I supposed to tell him in a moment of intimacy when I start to cry for no reason but the hauntings of my own memory? I am damaged, no one wants that.
