How do I explain?
When I don’t know exactly what is going on
Why I’ve been so devastated
Without using my mother's betrayal as my excuse
How do I explain that I can’t smile anymore
How do I explain that I haven’t felt joy in such a long time
That every sign I try to send is denied
The world seems pinned against me every single day
Like it wants me to fail
How can I stop thinking about her?
How I want to change the past
That I want to be able to control what she did
And make her a better mother
How can I explain that just because I miss her does not mean that what I have is not enough
It’s more than enough
But for some reason I need closure
I just want to scream at her
And ask her again and again
Why she couldn’t love me
I want to break something
I want the hole in my chest to fill back up
I want to feel something besides this immense pain inside myself
That no matter what I do I can seem to feel any better
I’m struggling
No hug from anyone can make me feel better
No kind words
Nothing except closure
I want her to pay for the things she did
For making me hurt so bad
I want her to know how badly she’s hurt people
That she’s the villain
I want people to stop telling me
She only did it because she was scared
I was scared too!