I know I've been telling you
that I'm ready for it,
that he's my true love
and I wouldn't want it
with anyone else.

(but maybe I'm
not ready)

I keep thinking of ***
and what it really means.
how it's not just about
having fun
or feeling good

You have to feel it
inside of you:
in your heart
and bones
and veins
and soul.

You have to be confident
that that's what you really want,
and that you want to be
with that person forever.

(This, I don't doubt;
I love him with all my heart)

But what scares me the most
is how he'll react to my body:

The body i find imperfect,
with so many flaws
it's easy to lose track.
Too-large *******,
Not skinny enough,
or that birthmark
on my right thigh.

What will he think
once he sees this?
This shame of a body?

Will he run and hide
in fear?
Tell me how disgusting
I am?

In my mind, i know
he won't do those things.
But I can't help

but fear
the worst
because of what my own
self-image
and lack of confidence
has done to me


a.m.