My contemporary stance to regain a grip on my Daily struggle to deal with Life's problems with a sober conscious is becoming a nuisance due to the fact I keep running away to use drugs so I can deal with time on time's slow flow of ride of passage. Am becoming a more cunning, manipulative, maladapted individual since deep down it hurts to say I am happy being a functional drug user...but this is a double load of struggle because I want someone to sometimes make me feel like I matter and that I am someone to someone else and that I can fight thru my devilish impulses to intoxicate my system. I am becoming mentally irritated with the constant thought to self-medicate and slide by Life with a morbid addiction and I do admit DEFEAT to this substances and lifestyle but why can't I get the motivation to dedicate my time in investing in sobriety? I truly need to take a hard look at why am still escaping my problems and why am still making the wrong decisions and choosing the easy way out with not dealing with my feelings and emotions in a healthy manner. Frankly, I want to quit using drugs at some point in my life but am having trouble abstaining from drug use at the current moment because I do truly love to alleviate all my mental disorder symptoms and enjoy the feeling of calmness and stillness of all my chemical imbalances seeming as if every time I choose to use I am put in a balance within my brain. Nevertheless, I have realized that using drugs does NOT cure me but make things worse in the long run. Suppressed by old whispers from my younger days when I used to use without getting addicted but now this substances have grown on me and I have become an addict to a degree. Sometimes I ponder in thought and imagine myself in front of God's throne pleading my cause like a rugged beggar to be heard by the Most High and all I want is a way out a way of escape from my drug use...Please Lord am at my end I want the struggle to stop...I admit I need your aid guidance and healing let this poem be heard for all I am asking is your saving grace and deliverance. In Jesus name Amen!