sketch a thought
for the girl who wanders
the echoing halls of my mind,
depression’s cold cousin,
smooth as a seal’s fur,
reaching through barriers -
wrapping your fingers around my heart,
only to pull, pull, pull;

i am belly-up
my guts exposed
like the tears that dissipate in the wind
for her.

I once knew her:
mirror, mirror,
held up to myself
and i scream -
have i been a monster?
does the gaslit lamp provide enough light?
it misleads
disfigures
we mould ourselves to marry and martyr
before we know how to speak
truthfully
love is as real and painful as the scars on my back, your wrists, my lips, yours eyes,
my mirror mind
shattered.

you gave me magic,
i gave you happiness
and you returned it
signed: “return to sender”. packaged,
parceled-up,
compartmentalized,
fragmented;
pieces of a beautiful thing
cast out across the tide
pulled along by the current
then sunk
below the water’s surface -
freezing cold
and isolated.

i washed up on shore
in a land not quite Europe
not quite America
with all of the problems
both have,
lovelorn and lost;
i survived there,
somehow -
fresh eyes
drew me forward
to explore this land
in the wake of exploring
so much pain.

now my heart is full
but so is my mind:
with the knowledge of seven years,
who i’ve been,
who i will be,
because we have to change
because i wanted change
because i’m in love and too scared
to utter those words out loud
because i don’t want to rush
or ruin
or reverberate the madness.

i will love new
i will love strong
i will love genuinely
(even when it hurts)
and
i will not give up.