I ask this first
To myself each day
When I open my eyes
Everyday I say
Would you like it?
If you were to sleep and never wake
Lying still with thoughts
Echoing in your brain
The verses come alive
With my feelings they rise
Mostly angry yet full of grief
Never to be heard and never to slake
The thirst for understanding
For someone to know
Exactly what I am going through

Is my life how I presume
Or for others to model
As something of no use
Do I have any loved ones
That stand around me
Shielding, protecting and calming me
Will their presence ever put me at ease?

Is the strength to speak
Too much to need?
People around me may see
A person happy innocent and free
Nobody knows that deep inside
The chains of oppression and woe
Will never set me free
Sometimes, no always, I wonder
What is to be treasured in life?
Why do we smile while we cry inside

At times of weakness
I admit
Happiness and bliss have clouded my mind
But as I grow
They fade and they go
And now the things that used to make me smile
Are the ones that come to mind when my eyes fill with tears
And I wish with all my might
That my soul would take flight

The world of colour
Now I cannot see
It is full of black
And white to me
However well I try to paint
The walls of my prison still remain
Deep inside my heart I know
That how hard I try
I cannot let go

My voice stays silent
My mouth stays shut
I break down inside
And completely give up
I will not move
I will not leave
But somehow I don’t wish to stay
My will is simply not enough
To let me leave
Till I have had much more than enough

Why does the world work this way
Offering a hopeless choice
To someone much too afraid to say
Someone good and kind
Who waits and hopes
Not knowing how dangerous it is to do so
Not knowing at all how easy it is
To take a sharp knife and slit your wrists
To finally let go

I dream of doing this
For days on end
But cowardice trumps reason
And at the end I remain
Broken by treason
My heart is crushed
Not by the world
But by the one who I thought
Loved me the most
Why am I not worth it?
Why am I alone?
I’ve learned to accept it
And exist on my own