a letter to my accidental unrequited love

do you know i sometimes kiss you with eyes open?
to make sure yours are closed
at night, i don’t sleep until your breath turns long
and your heart rate slows
i brush your hair back with my hand,
eyes open
only when yours shut can i close mine
but sometimes i stay up looking at you
because i’m already living a dream

i have a heart disorder that causes a great load of pain
at night when it flares up,
and i try everything in my power to keep it together,
you ask me if i’m okay
i always say yes
because i can longer distinguish if it’s my heart or if it’s you

i’m falling for someone who is incapable of falling for me
who’s not truly over their past love
who can’t give their all
i’m falling for someone who will never love me back
someone stop me
pull me back in
the storm is coming in and i’m slipping in puddles
someone stop me from loving the person
who gets me wet
who’s tears i wipe
who’s heart i hold
she can’t do the same for me
but here i am

she tells me she’s falling for me
i think she’d try to catch me in a trust fall
she’d put her arms out, tell me she’s ready
but once our bodies touch,
her arms would go limp
because she wasn’t lying to me
she was lying to herself the whole time

i won’t leave because i hold on that one day her thoughts will react the way she
begs them to
that she will be here with me
for once, completely here

until then
i get unrequited love

she tells me she can’t balance it all
she lists the people taking up her time
a depressed mom
a best friend falling through her fingers
a job with too many hurt souls
a school with expectations almost as high as her own
me
i ask her if she can take something away in the list
give it a little less at least
i know the answer is the person who writes too many poems about her
i’m the only one who can’t promise forever
so why am i here still?

remember the day i lost who i was?
i convinced myself you were going to breakup with me
you told me you never saw a reason to break up
but, you never gave yourself a reason to stay