I never knew how it felt lacking words; Being unable to express; unable of movement; of communicating.
I never felt how it was being unable to understand, how it was to be misunderstood. The unwillingness to understand.
You looked at me as if I was invisible, if I was a blank page in a fantasy book.
If I was the rain after a happy summer day. If I was about to leave my body. Couldn’t you tell that I was losing? Losing from the battle with my thoughts? Couldn’t you see that my tears were screaming for help? That the hands in my hair were asking you to hold me. Asking you to understand me. To be with me.
I never knew how it felt to be this small. Sitting on the ground. Wanting to disappear. My voice thrills, my legs are shaking, my mouth is dry, and my feelings are the only thing I am able to swallow. I never felt so naked, naked with my clothes on. My walls and masks; my personalities and defense mechanism. Gone. There was me. Naked. Me. Sitting on the cold floor, facing myself. Crying. Calling. Asking to be understood. Asking For help. For answers. For somebody to save me. To save me from myself.
I never knew how it felt to lose.                                    

But I did lose

I did.

-AIL