I HATE
that I require such validation in all areas of my life.  Even poetry, that which is supposed to be my safe space, my outlet, never feels good enough. Insufficient writting, insufficient funds, insufficient happiness. Its all so stuffy and weird. Stiff and dry. Nothing is as it should be.
It's all just so hard.
I HATE
that if I don't get the attention the little dark space inside of me constantly yearns for. I just hide in my car and cry.  Tears that are the end of the world.  shaking my entire being.  Shaking my core.  My bones rattle and my teeth grind.  I'm screaming and screaming.
It's all just so hard.
I HATE
that I never feel good enough being just average. I always have to be the best or I might as well be the worst.  If I am not #1 I don't exist.
i hate that it is all just...so...hard.

s.s