ever since the first time i watched ---, i imagined what my afterlife would be like. i never tell this to anyone but i hope it's a garden, with yellow flowers. i write about the sun's heat that doesn't make your sweat or irritated, and i hope that sun is there too.

a part of me wants to be alone and just stay there, until my world dies too. a part of me wants me to be with j, with my little brother, with my grandmother, i think that afterlife would be perfect.

every night recently, i've hoped it's my last. closing my eyes every night, only to see your face, makes me hope that they'll stay closed so i can see you every second again.

but i wake up again. and my dreams of my afterlife, the yellow flowers, the sun, my loved ones, are all gone. again.