why should i be here?

it feels like a question that's been planted inside my head for years and years. i ask myself this question during my darkest hours.

but it becomes clear to me when i see you. you, a light, a light that never fails to make me want to stay. looking at you, that answer disappears. not answered, but disappears.

but you aren't there all the time. i end my days alone and once again, that same neon light lights up my room, keeping me from sleeping, keeping me from even imaging you.

i sit facing that sign, tilting my head as if it'll give me answers if i stand differently. it doesn't.

in my darkest hours, i cry. the plans i had for the future: the apple farm, the cafe, the bakery, the dogs and cats, everything, it all seemed pointless and far away.

but eventually, with a flicker, the sign goes dark and, once again, i'm given a break from everything, from myself. eventually, i'll be okay again. eventually, i'll remember that the reasons i'm here are to love...

and of course, making sure i have the apple farm, cafe, bakery, and dogs and cats.