Half of my time alive I've been on the cusp of suicide.
An ideal that is swayed by either a state of depression or just a lack of drive.
The other half, bareable pain spattered with glimpses of true happiness, which I can't seem to hold on to.
I've experimented (usually in depth) these different methods of obtaining something.
Not knowing what I had been looking to obtain.
Just some sort of fulfillment.. or purpose or whatever we're supposed to gain in order to ease the pain of existence.
Excuse me for being so blunt but, this light.. this fleeting light..
A light that taunts me like the ideal i earlier spoke of yet I'm only ever granted glimpses of what it can do.
It begs the question, what about all of the moments when I thought I grew?
I did all the things my sponsors said.. my therapists, my mentors.
Yet this light continues to remain unattainable.
I'm screaming at myself "please, let somebody love you!"
And logically, I know, when you tell me that I'm capable of being free, I'm worth the love you're trying to give me but surely enough I continue to push it away.
I can't seem to escape myself, so the best thought I've yet to come up with is to escape myself.
Living life in what is clearly insanity I can't help but to continue to live.. on the cusp of suicide.