I wish I didn't exist
not even like a bee
neither like a tree
because those things are alive
and I don't wanna be
not with this

I struggle every day with myself
not to make terrible choices
I try to contain

but you can't expect something to be empty
if you keep filling it up
there was a moment where all I wanted
was the sweet relief of my friend
my mysterious  and old friend,  death
who seemed to walk around with me the past 2 years

I survived myself
but I almost didn't

I searched for happiness or at least control
with family
with friends
with hobbies

something

it did work
but its back
the emptiness and the black fog embrace me like no one else ever did
but this time
I like it