I used to think
that I was the one
who was being wronged,
that despite how I longed
to stay
the people I loved
kept pushing me away
or gunning their engines
till all that was left
was the cloud dust
that I was seeing.

I was the big brother
that he needed
but because of
the pain I was feeling,
I left that little kid
to make it on his own
in a horrible home,
and I stayed gone
even after our grandpa
had passed on.

The rivers are crossed
and ready to overflow
so, I cross myself,
wash my hands,
and try to
let all of my
**** dirt go.

There were
two friends
close as family to me,
but things got complicated,
one love inflamed
one week spent
in lust and passion.
Then I was left in pain.
So, I took off again,
hating some immature heart
that wasn’t even ready to commit:
Seeing her later
caused all delusions to pass
when I asked
about all that was wrong
and she cried back,
“you’d know
if you ever came around.”

So, I breath in
the smoke of
someone leaving
and keep seeing
my loved ones grieving
in my wake.

I promised I would be there
swore that I cared
and all that I wanted was
to stick around for
the one I loved,
but when she chose
someone else to be with
I couldn’t be more of a ghost.
Every once and while
she sends me a message
trying to update me
and how she is struggling
and almost always saying
how she misses me.
I always respond sparsely
sparing shallow sentiments
but never really get into
the meat of it.

I’m not the single server
of a heavenly host.
Despite how I boast
of a great and kind heart,
I have committed
more than my share of sins.