I wish I didn't wonder
Didn't always wander back over to the feeling
But when will someone really love me
Again.

But here I wander back over
In the faint light of the lamp by my hotel bedside table
After a day, an evening
Of beautiful conversation
New atmosphere, new connection
Ending and cultivating with a warm bath
I haven't had in ages
Picking my face apart in the mirror
And yet I wonder
When will someone love me again.

I reveal secrets and I reveal truth
I don't have time like I used to
I'm gone and then I'm there
I long and I wish
For someone to often care.

I hold more than one man
In the palm of my hand
When I speak of them
I refer to how the past has been brutal
So I keep my options always
Fairly open.

I love myself and yet it is never enough
The moments of glamour
The coffee cups
The dresses I wiggle in and out of
I gaze in the mirror thinking how I need more time
To get my body into tick top shape
I fear lipsticked teeth
I fear living a life with no companion
And no companion to call me theirs.

I scroll through aesthetics hoping for a sense of relief
I take a cute but not too **** but **** video
And hit send send
We dream we make big plans
I think and I hope for money to come in
Knowing I only have so many
Many hours of the day.

My nails shine like diamonds
He said my eyes were sparkley
It bumps me up into a dose of happiness
It all does for a moment in time
Sometimes I wish I could keep it just at the peak
Never to falter
Like the moments I've snorted *******
Even though I didn't really want to
But did anyway among the height of Chicago sunrises
And fast furious dances.

I'm tired most of my days
But I've found a way to survive it
As a troop of filmmakers surround me
Their faces old and their voices wise
I want to feel and be youthful all of my days.

And yet
I still always wish
When will someone love me someday.