I'm a paradox. I tell myself and everyone around me that I want to be happy yet I force myself to be sad. I think and do things I know will end up hurting me, and I pretend it has another cause. I'm too lazy to be the ambitious perfectionist, I like to think I am. I try both hate and love myself and everything I am and stand for as a person. I crave attention so bad but always reject it when anyone fulfills my craving. I understand emotions and how they work but not feelings. Especially not my own. I want to be alone, but when I finally am, I'm lonely. Even when I'm around people, I'm lonely. I contradict myself in almost every way possible. It's not because I want to, it's a habit now. It comes so naturally to me. It lays in me almost as a defense mechanism.