I feel sick.
I need to throw up these words in my mind,
That have gotten me feeling so ill.
And if you're reading this,
I'm sorry.
This is going to be long.

It hurts a lot,
To reconnect with someone you were once in love with.
I don't know why it hurts so much.
I am in love with someone,
Someone far greater than the person in question.
Yet...
The person I was once in love with,
I suppose they still hold a portion of my heart.
I've only been talking to them again for a few days,
But it seems like we've just picked up where we left off.
The jokes we make,
The laughs we share,
It's easy to remember what things used to be like.
But I have to remember,
I have to reign myself in.
They hurt me.
It's not realistic to think that everything used to be okay.
I make up these scenarios in my mind,
And I only remember the good stuff that happened between us,
When there was arguably more bad.
And that's something that I need to realize.
They hurt me,
And I'm still healing.

The thing is,
Why am I still healing?
Why does it feel like a wound has been opened again?
I'm so, so very in love with who I am with now.
It's incredibly insane how happy they make me.
So why do I get upset over these things?
It might be because I tend to reminisce,
And I like to look back on happier times.

In all honesty,
I feel miserable right now.
I feel like I'm trapped,
I can't tell anyone what's going on between me and my past lover.
Because all I get is ridicule.
"Why are you talking to them?"
I don't know why.
I hope that this just is a platonic thing on both sides.
I'm suspecting that it might not be.
"What did you expect?"
I expect a lot,
I want things to be okay.
I didn't expect this, though.
"You're just going to get hurt again."
I know this.
I've been through this many times.
And.. I don't care.
"What about your boyfriend?"
I don't know why this is in question.
I love him, and I'm not going to leave him.

So, what do I do?
If things don't go the way I want them to?
I don't want to lose them again.
I worked so hard to be someone that they could come to.
What to do,
If things go wrong?
I guess I'll wait for it to happen.