you're not coming back,
are you?
there are times where i'm laying in bed and for a moment,
a split second of time,
where i forget that you ever left the earth.
but then it hits me again.
That day and Those messages and Those headlines and all of Those horrible emotions
and i remember.
you're not coming back,
are you?
for there are no words or actions i could do to make you walk the earth again.
for i won't be able to hear your voice or see your chocolate brown eyes for a long, long time.

i don't feel loved.
right now.
my heart has closed their doors to any emotion other than self hate and every horrible possibility that ends with everyone leaving me again.
i've sat alone and been alone.
i don't want that again.
but right now,
my heart doesn't feel Love.
i can feel it shrinking and hear it weeping.
i wish i could feel love.

there are starting to be more times where i want to disappear.
abandon all these materials and leave.
i want to be by the ocean,
i think feeling her waves wet my feet and the sand beneath them will cure everything.
the moon talks to me at night and if i'm lucky,
i'll see him during the day as the skies begin to look like an artist's palette.
he tells me, "it's okay. we'll see each other again. just not now.".
and my heart breaks when i close my eyes to rest and i don't know why.