to be honest, how do you ever really recover from an ordeal like that?

i know i can’t run away from things forever, but for now at least i’d rather be
held back by the admittedly frightening
terrifying
pale thin cold clutches gripping my
wrists so hard i feel—
all blood circulation getting cut
off.

it’s all an excuse for myself anyways.
forgive me for putting me first, but
i need to do this for myself now.
i need to stick my head in the ground,
cower away from everyone and just
allow myself to be pulled under.

for now, i say, for now.
don’t know how long how that now will be, don’t ask
don’t ask me questions i can’t answer!
why, why, stop demanding things from me
let me take things at my own pace!
i can’t do it!

so that’s why i’d rather stay behind and cower.
you can all progress ahead of me first, i swear
i swear i don’t mind
humiliation seems to come like a
day-to-day thing now,
the rising sun every morning glaring mercilessly down at me,
melting me till i
am nothing left but
a pile of bones and perhaps
a shredded wisp of whatever soul is left.

thank you for listening to my speech.