i've been thinking a lot about memories, spirituality, and how i can never see myself in five years let alone one. i don't know what to make out of these three things that seem to circle around my mind like vultures.

memories:
there are some i wish to forget. those memories make me sad and they make me feel small again, i wish to get rid of these maybe replace them with really really happy ones. but these memories are sometimes my muse and kick to writing what some people would call beautiful. it's hard writing about good things or good times and i don't know why.

spirituality:
i've realized over and over again that i have lost myself, you can say. i've tried time and time again reaching this part of myself and i have multiple times but i've also let go. whether it be because i was busy or i just couldn't feel what they said they felt. i want to connect with this part of me again and hold tightly to it.

how i can never see myself in [blank] years:
i went through a rough time at a very young age. it started in third grade, that's when it got bad but it can date back to first. through the years, things got harder and i understood less of myself. i wanted to end my life in sixth grade, that's the first time i felt that way. i didn't, obviously, but that thought has been woven into my mind. i didn't think i would make it this far. i planned my days until, what i thought would be my departure. but i'm still here and i'm lost. again, i didn't think i would make it this far.

these three things are what worry me the most. writing about them is like the tangy smell of orange peels.