I punched m y self today
Amidst to many thoughts
And helplessness.
An over whelping hopelessness.
A tired soul an active mind
I've been thinking thoughts with to much weight.
Seeing people walk around living their lives is begining to make me feel
Like....
There's already enough going on in the world
Like plenty of people will do plenty of things.
Like what's the point in one more person fumbling their way through life.
I'm going I'm going.
But it's not out of hope.
It's put of guilt and fear.
When I think of my husband
While I think of my uselessness
I feel such a deep sorrow.
Not because I feel like he needs me.
But because I know that he loves me.
And I know that he would some how feel guilty.
And I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. And I'm frustrated because I feel guilty. For being tired. And what sounds so lovely is sleep for ever. I don't hate myself. I don't even want to **** myself. I just don't want to be alive because my ******* tired. I'm so tired of day to day life that I could **** myself. I'm so tired of all of it. I love my husband very much. So so much. He is the sweetest most christ like being I have ever met and I am happy with him. I think he's perfect. There's nothing he could do to become a better person to me. It's not that that's not good enough. It's that I'm to tired. It's like having a really nice meal when your not hungry. You love it it looks great it smells great it makes you happy. But it doesn't make you hungry. I don't have much a a drive to be alive and I don't know why.......
I just wish I could hit the pause button shut everything off and nothing existed any more.
They say this is a temporary feeling... that it goes away..... but why does it always come back.