May 2018
I wake up. My vision is blurred by tears I don’t remember crying. I feel a pit in my stomach. A small voice in my head tells me to wake up. I feel too tired. Too exhausted from sleep. I give myself a small laugh at that. How pathetic. I can’t even get out of bed. I lay in bed thinking about why I fight day by day to stay alive. “Why?” the voices say “No one likes you, that’s why you're alone.” it always does this is starts as a whisper and turns into a burning scream, that takes up all of my vision. Hope is simply a grain of dust in the wind, coming and going quicker than I ever thought possible. I eye the pills beside my bed. I could end it all right here, and why not? I’m not sure. I roll over and grab my phone. I ask my mom if she’s busy today I could use some help. But no, she has work. My dad never understood me. I glare at the window slowing brightening, I pull the blanket over my head and sleep.
I wake up and regret it. I go to sleep again and regret it. I get out of bed and regret it. I eat cereal and regret it. I watch T.V. and regret it. “You can’t do a single thing right, just end it all.” the voice whispers. It’s quiet but so reasonable so, so, right. Not a single person in the world cares. I close my eyes and wish for something to happen. I wish to be swept away by the wind in particles of dust, to forever be taken away from my sadness from my pain. I eye the pills in the cupboard. The voices yell now. “Do it! Take the pills! You have nothing to live for!” I pull the blanket over my head and shed a tear. I break more than I thought possible. I turn the T.V. on and watch the screen display images of people that aren’t broken, people that enjoy life. I envy them. I look at the clock and decide to go to bed again. I sleep a deep dark sleep.
I wake up to a knocking on my door. I walk towards my door. I open in it. No one stands there. I chuckle bitterly to myself. “Why would anyone want to see you?” I see an ugly beast inside my head sneering with joy at my sadness. I look at the box left for me. My heart brightens a little when I realize it’s from my mom, the one person who ever came close to getting me. I turn music on the stop the screaming taunts saying she doesn’t care. I open the small box. I almost cry at the sight, it’s a rainbow that says “To Brighten up Your Day, I love you, Dan!” I look at the rainbow colored things she sent, a rainbow scarf, a bright pair of shoes, some skittles, and other assorted things. I chuckle as I remember the kids that used to call each other gay and think about all the things they used to say, if they saw me in these they would definitely never stop teasing me. The walls seem brighter. The colors in my head more vibrant. The monsters in my head a little less intimidating. Today is the day I do something I tell myself, as I leave my house wearing the pink shoes my mom sent me, to where I don’t know. All I know is the sun has never been brighter. “You're still alone.” the voices argue, “No I’m not,” I say back with a finality that quiets all of the voices besides hope, now a gleaming sun in the abyss.
I wake up and regret it. I go to sleep again and regret it. I get out of bed and regret it. I eat cereal and regret it. I watch T.V. and regret it. “You can’t do a single thing right, just end it all.” the voice whispers. It’s quiet but so reasonable so, so, right. Not a single person in the world cares. I close my eyes and wish for something to happen. I wish to be swept away by the wind in particles of dust, to forever be taken away from my sadness from my pain. I eye the pills in the cupboard. The voices yell now. “Do it! Take the pills! You have nothing to live for!” I pull the blanket over my head and shed a tear. I break more than I thought possible. I turn the T.V. on and watch the screen display images of people that aren’t broken, people that enjoy life. I envy them. I look at the clock and decide to go to bed again. I sleep a deep dark sleep.
I wake up to a knocking on my door. I walk towards my door. I open in it. No one stands there. I chuckle bitterly to myself. “Why would anyone want to see you?” I see an ugly beast inside my head sneering with joy at my sadness. I look at the box left for me. My heart brightens a little when I realize it’s from my mom, the one person who ever came close to getting me. I turn music on the stop the screaming taunts saying she doesn’t care. I open the small box. I almost cry at the sight, it’s a rainbow that says “To Brighten up Your Day, I love you, Dan!” I look at the rainbow colored things she sent, a rainbow scarf, a bright pair of shoes, some skittles, and other assorted things. I chuckle as I remember the kids that used to call each other gay and think about all the things they used to say, if they saw me in these they would definitely never stop teasing me. The walls seem brighter. The colors in my head more vibrant. The monsters in my head a little less intimidating. Today is the day I do something I tell myself, as I leave my house wearing the pink shoes my mom sent me, to where I don’t know. All I know is the sun has never been brighter. “You're still alone.” the voices argue, “No I’m not,” I say back with a finality that quiets all of the voices besides hope, now a gleaming sun in the abyss.
