I feel like my head is spinning

But when I look in the mirror,
It rests on my neck, tilted slightly to the left,
As though out of curiosity,
Just like always.

I feel like my chest is caving in

But when I touch my sternum to check my breathing,
It's sits firmly in place,
Only moving with the quick rise and fall of my lungs.

I feel like my throat is closing,

But I drink water and it goes down smooth,
But I wish to god it would drown something,
Not me but the me I was.
The me I'll never be.
The me I've always been.
The me that wasn't good enough
The me that wasn't worth keeping around,
The me that he tossed out like garbage.
The me that you signed away.

But I swallow the water.
It is cold in my stomach,
And it sits there,
Sending shivers through my body until it becomes the same slightly-colder-than-average-but-warmer-than-this
Temperature as the rest of me.

If only.